First off, let me say how thrilled I am that the government is setting up this new force. The time is long past when free rein should be given to people like me who are concerned that the world has gone to pot, that what is missing from today's youth is some good old-fashioned discipline, that we've endured too much carrot, and not applied enough stick.

For those of us who can never get past the switchboard on Liveline, there is now a chance to make a real difference.

With that in mind, I am particularly pleased that I will be provided with a baton in my new role, a legally-held offensive weapon which I will liberally apply to those who deserve it most on raucous weekend nights.

My principal reason for signing up, however, is that I want to give something back. Life may not have smiled on me as I would have wished for, but I am of a disposition where others are always on my mind.

There is a local publican, for instance, who unfairly ejected me from his premises one night. I can't get him out of my mind.

Every time I encounter him on the street, a little piece of me dies. I am very interested in giving something back to him.

There is the waster with whom my fiance ran off in the weeks before our scheduled wedding. To him too, there is much due. He now lives at the top of the town in the bosom of his large, overweight, lazy, good-for-nothing family, drinking and drawing the dole.

All of them will be dear in my thoughts as I patrol the streets, looking for trouble, feeling the collar of anyone whom I perceive to offend right-thinking citizens. No quarter will be spared in rooting out those unwilling to respect their betters.

But where was I? Yes. Giving something back to those dirty baaf to society.

Might I say that I am particularly pleased that the new force will be on a volunteer basis. It would be wholly inappropriate to pay people for the kind of work that requires so much of yourself. Properly trained personnel doing this as a part-time job would be nothing short of mercenary.

This is a brief that demands stout hearts and a ruthless approach to humanity.

Taxpayers' money can't buy those things.

My own volunteer spirit was awakened by the Taoiseach's stirring defence of social capitalism. It made me think: what can I do that might relieve my anger? Of course volunteering for work with the poor, disadvantaged youth, or even, to use that politically correct term, travellers, was out of the question.

These people are all where they are as a result of their own weakness. I have nothing to give them.

Equally, engaging in any community work which might involve patience, or having to put up with the views of namby-pamby liberal types who infest some of these places, just wasn't on. But now, along comes this. It's as if the Minister for Justice has sent out a clarion call for people like me.

Apart from the fulfilling nature of the work, I am also delighted that I will be togged out in practically a full garda uniform. Ever since my days with the FCA a certain frisson runs through my body whenever I don a uniform. (Some of the neighbours used to call me a First Class Ape when I went out on manoeuvres, and they too are on my list of people who will be offending the long arm of the law. ) The thrill of parading in uniform has been confined to my bedroom mirror since my slightly less-thanhonourable discharge after the compromising incident with the chicken and the rifle in the guard hut one night. But now, redemption.

So, if you are like me, if you too wish to clean the scum off the streets and assist in restoring respect and order, particularly among what passes for today's youth, why not come aboard. Now is your chance to stick it tof to give something back. Think about it. You can be the eyes and ears of your community, all knowing, all seeing, all powerful. You will be able to command respect, and, with a bit of luck, maybe even fear. Your country needs you. When can I start?