RULE 1: NEVER LOOK A BARREL OF FISH IN THE MOUTH Apart from drawing attention to the essential use/misuse of cliche, Rule 1 states that if a broadcast is spectacularly bad, load up the 12 gauge and take aim (note immediate misuse of cliche). The perfect example of this is, of course, the opening ceremony. Given the task of representing a range of myths and intangible ideals in sound and vision, the writers of these ceremonies invariably create something that looks like pretentious claptrap. In which case, fire! (note third misuse of cliche).

The Commonwealth Games is ideal for these purposes, combining as it does the standard setpieces . . . roller skaters on fire, people emerging from the floor to sing power ballads etc . . . with a fawning regard for Queen Elizabeth of England, paydirt if you are writing for a post-colonial audience.

Example 1 If Nike had any wit about them, they would have used excerpts from this to advertise Celtic jerseys. Despite receiving thunderous applause, Windsor wore an expression throughout that suggested she'd been told Jamie Oliver would be doing the 3pm Christmas Day gig from now on.

Outside, Clare Balding of the BBC was canvassing some little Melbournians on what excited them most about the Commonwealth Games coming to town.

One lad said tourism. If you want decent civics teachers you know where to go. Then about half a dozen squealed "The Queen!". Suddenly an adult appeared with a 'what's going on here?' look on his face. "Is this your son?"

asked Balding. Ignoring her, the disgusted dad looked at one of the munchkins and asked: "Did you just say the Queen?

And your father an Irishman." Shaking his head, he walked away but not before adding the classic and possibly traumatic kicker: "You're a worry, Rory."

Inside the MCG, a flying tram from the 1930s (why on earth didn't they keep them? ) started a show that was ended by the crowd singing Happy Birthday to Windsor, 37 days early. A bit much, the royal we would have thought, although there was a reason behind it.

Apparently there had been a long-running controversy about whether to play the British national anthem or Advance Australia Fair at the close. After Happy Birthday, Windsor got God Save The Queen as a birthday present, but only 10 seconds of it. Her expression went from glum to chewing on a redback spider, almost making the whole cringe-worthy affair worth watching.

You will note that Example 1 featured some research. This is highly unusual, and is not encouraged by other columnists.

RULE 2: NEVER BE AFRAID TO POINT OUT THE POINTLESS (or If something's not worth doing, it's worth mentioning) It's a generally accepted practice to highlight when a programme appears to be there for the sake of it, even if your column seems to be doing likewise.

Example 2 RTE's Scannal!

looked back through the mists of time to shine a light on the events of Saipan, when Roy Keane parted ways with the Ireland soccer team on the eve of the World Cup. Of course, those last few words were unnecessary, you could have stopped at Saipan. But Scannal decided to revisit the incident, the details of which are burned onto the nation's consciousness more than any other single event of the last decade.

An FAI suit was flabbergasted at the story's half-life. "We're still here talking about it, years later." Yeah, FOUR years later. My 11-year-old nephew has an idea of what happened. Unless they were going to give us Keane's tirade verbatim, it all seemed a little pointless. Has the age of nostalgia made 2002 worthy of documentation already? The wounds are still raw people, surely a 10-year anniversary special would have sufficed? Think of the little ones!

Note the righteous indignation coupled with overwrought sentiment (ref:

E Dunphy 1945-present and T Gorman 2002).

RULE 3: PRETEND TO HAVE NO IDEA WHO CELEBRITY CONTESTANTS ARE IN REALITY TV SHOWS A very common practice this. It's not unusual to read somebody wondering who on earth Victoria Silvstedt is when in fact they have enjoyed a rather fantastic and intimate relationship with her for some time. However, there are occasions when it is possible to tell the truth.

Honest. Take The Games on Channel Four, which started on Friday night.

Jason King, Bernie Nolan, Adam Rickett, Amanda Lamb, Peter Duncan. If you know who any of those people are, forget about it.

You clearly know too much about television.