Clearly Eamon Dunphy was enjoying his few mornings off the day job, with the guest presenters on his Newstalk breakfast show providing more entertainment with their sports coverage than the knowledgeable incumbent ever could.

On Thursday morning, Shane Ross, business editor of the Sunday Independent, introduced the sport section of the programme, saying, "This is a subject I know absolutely nothing about."

But showing a bit of that business moxie, he didn't summon one of the Off the Ball minions to take over, but decided to field it himself. His guests were Johnny Giles and Liam Brady. (The following may be slightly paraphrased, it wasn't even 9am for crying out loud) Ross: So gentlemen, I believe last night's games were extremely dull.

Brady: I don't know if I'd say dull.

Inter-Villarreal was lively, that finished 2-1 and could have been more. The game we were watching wasn't great, a nil-all draw between Lyon and Milan.

There endeth the sporting analysis.

More bored than a Villa season ticket holder, Ross decided to steer the conversation towards more familiar areas.

Ross: I believe Arsenal are moving into a new stadium soon, how much will that cost?

Brady chuckled and gently mocked.

Giles probably wished he hadn't got out of bed. Having exhausted the business angle, there was still a few minutes to fill, and the stand-in became slightly desperate.

Ross: Okay, so what do ye get up to in the studio at half-time?

Brady: Well, we talk to Bill O'Herlihy, Shane.

Ross: What about during the match?

Brady: We watch it.

Ross: Oh. Does Eamon nip out for a smoke during the ads?

Brady: He does, for a smoke. . . and a bet.

Ross: They won't tell me anything in here, what's he really like to work with?

What's Eamon really like?

[A few seconds of icy silence] Giles: Eamon's an extremely intelligent, very witty guy, very forthright. . . it's a great pleasure to work with him.

Ross: Liam Brady, a great pleasure?

Brady: [sound of teeth gritting] Yeah, absolutely, a great pleasure.

Ross: Well, now that I've said how great the presenter is, maybe I'll be invited back on.

Here's hoping, Shane.

The following morning, we were treated to the wonderful howl of David Norris in Dunphy's chair. With the rugby weekend upcoming, he had Gerry Thornley of The Irish Times as a guest, another whose expertise was sidelined by the presenter's desire to talk about more familiar topics.

"I remember yeeaaars ago [ just imagine the Norris twang, if ever a column needed an audio option this is it] running down the right wing. . ." "Surely you were on the left wing?" quipped Thornley. "I did move on to the left wing indeed, but back then I was on the right wing where I'd try to run past all these beefy young men and score a try under the posts, which I did a couple of times and it was a maaarvellous feeling." Leinster fans must have been inspired getting on that plane. "But wouldn't it be great, " squealed Norris, "wouldn't it be great if Leinster and Munster BOTH won?" You can't argue with that kind of analysis.

More mascots on UTV Wednesday night, on Sure Fans United, a show that celebrates the often odd and occasionally quite tragic people who go to extreme lengths to follow their soccer club. The unusual programme title is because the show is sponsored by a certain deodorant, somehow apt for this week's edition.

"Entertaining millions every weekend" (in their minds presumably), these men and women risk pride and dignity to dress up in big furry suits to run around a pitch and scare small children. There were some startling revelations. Pete and Alice the Eagles of Crystal Palace are a real couple! The Millwall lion is a woman ("As I put the clothes on, I feel braver")! There is such a thing as a mascot expert!

Star of the show though was H'Angus the monkey, the Hartlepool mascot. The name comes from an incident 200 years ago when a monkey, presumably a ship's mascot, was washed up on the town's shore. Suspecting that he may be a French spy and unable to get any English out of him, they hung him.

"I think the crowd like him, " said Stuart Drummond, the man inside the mascot. "They see him as a bit of a cheeky monkey." They certainly did like him, enough to elect him mayor a few years back. With politics encroaching on his monkey business, Drummond had to make the tough decision to step outside the suit. Newspaper reports of him 'simulating sex with a pretty match official' presumably didn't help. But what political animal can take himself seriously without the whiff of a sex scandal?

Cheeky monkey.