Usually starts off his career with a middling English club where, despite an almost total lack of technical ability and . nesse, will be hailed as a 'cult hero'. Praised by such euphemisms as 'difficult to deal with', 'battering ram', 'another option' or, most damningly, 'his presence creates space for the decen. . . em, goal-scoring centreforward'. It is down to these qualities, and not the fact he couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat, that he will always be referred to as a forward and never a striker.

When he does actually manage to score one of his five goals in any given season, they will fit into one of two categories. Either they will be a typically scrambled effort, forced over via his right buttock and thanks to a deflection, or they will be a quite stunning 32-yard screamer in off the crossbar Likely to be said of (for the sixth time in five seasons) "And Heskey has finally ended his drought" Future prospects for all his, ahem, idiosyncrasies, will gradually acquire much admiration before being tried out at a big club and even being spared the odd international cap.

This will mostly be put down to the fact that 'foreigners can't handle this type of player'. One day the penny will . nally drop, or take a dive if you like, and it will be realised that the non-scoring centre-forward is actually just a rubbish striker. Will then be shipped off to Birmingham City, Portsmouth or some other Godforsaken club to live out the rest of his non-scoring days Veterans of the field Emile Heskey, Brett Ormerod

FERGUSON LEARNS LESSONS FROM 1916 It may be Easter Sunday but this year (tasteless offence to most of the population ahoy), only one particular rising has captured the attention of the majority of Ireland: that of 1916 and its 90th anniversary. Given the Rising's meagre death toll, Ragball Rovers-style organisation and generally disastrous outcome in the grand scheme of revolutions, you wouldn't have thought that it would have attracted too many eulogies abroad. It turns out that it does have one surprising admirer though - none other than the man himself, Alex Ferguson.

The Manchester United dictat. . .manager, sorry, has of course always nailed his red flag firmly to the mast - from fraternising to neo-con sympathisers such as Alastair Campbell to getting into an acrimonious dispute over what percentage of a racehorse he owned - so it was no doubt the socialist aspect of 1916 which attracted him.

However, there is one participant whom he seems particularly enamoured with. Meeting with a group of Irish supporters at last week's Premiership match against old rivals Arsenal, Ferguson knowledgably and admiringly spoke at length about a certain Michael Collins.

Which started to get Velocity thinking. Just after Saipan, did Fergie add one of those 'two great Cork leaders shot in the back' t-shirts to his wardrobe? If he did, it's probably long thrown out, as Ferguson got so wrapped up in conversation with his Irish visitors that he revealed an intriguing insight into his plans to wrest the title back to Old Trafford next season. Ruud van Nistelrooy, the chief lieutenant in dissent to that other 'great Cork leader' is apparently to follow Roy Keane out the door as Ferguson remarked that he had "started the wrong striker" against Arsenal at Old Trafford and that "the game changed once Louis Saha came on". United were leading 1-0 at that stage.

Stepping stones and all that.

HEY, DJ, LEAVE THOSE FANS ALONE

Ferguson has of course been extending his MA in psychology to a PhD recently by continuing to play his much heralded mind games with Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho. And, they worked to such an extent that Chelsea belted West Ham 4-1 last weekend, not to mention United's less-than-impressive showing against Sunderland. An even less quali. ed . gure it seems has had much greater success. Darren Porter, the 40-year-old match-day compere at St Andrew's has been penalised by the Football Licensing Authority for taunting Chelsea fans during their 00 draw with Birmingham a fortnight ago. His weapon of choice? The matchday music. Through his selections he ingeniously referenced Didier Drogba's diving, their morally dubious Russian . nancing and their failure in the Champions League.

The playlist? 'Fall at your feet' by Crowded House, 'Money for Nothing' by Dire Straits, 'Back in the USSR' by the Beatles and Freddie Mercury's operatic number with Montserrat Caballe, 'Barcelona'.

Rumours of Stamford Bridge responding with an airing of 'Freefalling' by Tom Petty remain no more than an invention of Velocity's underactive imagination.

PLAYING A PART RONALDINHO IS PETER PARKER IN SPIDERMAN

A goofy and awkward-looking kid from a rundown part of the city, Peter Parker is however blessed with supernatural abilities which he uses to best effect when he pulls on a red and blue out. t.

Bitten by a radioactive spider, among the powers he realises he has acquired are supreme athleticism, perfect vision and the ability to have particular surfaces stick to his feet. Smiles gooflly.

Widely acknowledged as a genius in high school, at first he seems to waste his powers by entering smallfry wrestling competitions and gaining revenge on the local bully.

Smiles gooflly.

His life however is changed when his uncle is killed by a criminal.

Looks on forlornly. And gooflly.

It is at this point he decides to make the best of his gifts.

Graduating from high school, he is sought after by the top colleges around. Choosing one of the most glamorous, it is here he dons the famous red and blue kit. Smiles gooflly.

By now though, his nemesis the Green Goblin is terrorising the city and Peter must confront him in one . nal battle. He defeats the Goblin but, in doing so, needlessly prolongs the affair with a series of spectacular tricks and reality-defying stunts.

Great to watch though. Smiles gooflly.

The love of his life Mary Jane has now realised it is Peter she wants.

He turns her down though. Not because he is afraid of revealing his identity, but because his new-found fame as Spiderman can make him have any woman he wants. Smiles gooflly.

TABLOID MAGIC

A forgettable week, or perhaps Fergettable judging by the tabs' laboured reactions to Manchester United's failure to beat Sunderland. So, it was this quirky story from Wednesday's Mirror which grabbed us.

Despite the questionable allusions to Steve Bruce needing to beat his relegation worries with the bottle, it actually concerns Barry Fry suggesting Brucey needs to urinate in all four corners of St Andrew's to exorcise a gyspy curse, just as he did during his time at the club.

Because that's the root of Birmingham's problems. Certainly made us read on, mind.

HONOURABLE MENTION BLUE MONDAY Also from the boys at the Mirror - this time Saturday's - neatly summing up that Chelsea could be champions by beating Everton tomorrow night and through a nice New Order reference.