(But I'll give it a shot, anyway. ) Michael O'Doherty, publisher of the acerbic Capital, the catty sister magazine of New York Dog, rolled out the red carpet for the VIP Style Awards last week at the Four Seasons. This wasn't Capital's 10 Most Annoying Dubliners. The VIP editorial team would probably suggest electric shock therapy for any staffer who would suggest such a knife-wielding feature for VIP. This is, after all, a magazine that photographs models and socialites in hotel rooms. . . with a straight face. It's not everybody's idea of glamour. But there's something wholesomely manufactured about it. Like batch brown bread.

And, so, to the awards. We got off to a good start when Rodge & Podger Lucy Kennedy rifled through her goodie bag with glee as soon as we took our seats.

Most guests would wait until they got into their taxis to tear them open. She started, we followed.

If that wasn't refreshing enough, Caroline Morahan asked, "Whatya think of my afro?" A red afro? And that's why we love Caroline. "Girl, " I said, raising my glass. "You got balls."

But then all reality was sucked from the room. VIP editor Emer O'ReillyHyland introduced the awards with airbrushed soundbites: "Laura Woods is on a winning streak? Síle Seoige is following in her big sister's footsteps."

There was too much VIP-style oestrogen in the room. I called the waiter back and told him, "Make that a double."

One feather boa-swathed socialite looked like Aunty Mame's ligger-happy sister, I told a guest, who requested I take a lap of subtlety. (I did and finished up in the Ice Bar. ) But two things saved the night.

Firstly, Pamela Flood won most stylish lady. I found myself cheering and clapping. I finally clogged it: it's not about the dress. It's about chicks that have a laugh, work hard and live good lives.

Secondly, Kathryn Thomas happened by our table after the meal and decided to open her bottle of Bollinger thereand-then, even though I suggested she save it for a special occasion.

"We're drinking it NOW!" She held it aloft, made a little speech and insisted I uncork it.

That will teach me to live for tomorrow. And, to think, I had to attend the VIP Style Awards to learn that.