I was recently hired as a manager at a family-owned company. My boss, the vice president of marketing, is the CEO's wife.

She never went to college and has no experience in marketing, yet micromanages everyone, including those of us with MBAs. She fires anyone who disagrees with her, with her husband's full support. I've just learned that several talented people have quit because of her. Short of quitting, how do I handle nepotism gone awry?

Name withheld, Austin, Texas, USA

A

NOT to be difficult here, but where the heck were you during the hiring process for this job?

We ask because it seems a little late for you to be discovering the kind of information that should be part of everyone's due diligence when considering employment at a family-owned company.

Information like: 'How many cousins want my next promotion?' or 'Is it fatal . . . or merely dangerous . . . to disagree with the CEO's next of kin?'

Now, we're not implying that people should avoid working in family-owned companies. These organisations, which make up a significant part of any economy, offer some of the best jobs in business.

But when you decide to work at a family-owned company, you have to realise you are accepting a special deal. And every deal has trade-offs.

With this one, the upside is real. Family-owned companies give you a level of collegiality and informality rarely found in corporate environments, with cultures that are, at their best, personal and warm. Employees can come to feel like family members, not numbers, and managers (like you, for instance) often have direct access to the shareholders and decision-makers. You can really feel like you're in the game.

The downside is real too, as you are discovering.

Because when you join a family-owned business, especially a small or medium-sized one, you often give up the adjudication process, for want of a better term.

That's the process that "enforces" fairness at professionally run organisations.

We're not saying that public companies don't have their share of arbitrary or bullying bosses, or that they are devoid of favouritism. But the checks and balances at most public companies, such as employee satisfaction surveys and the 'higher authority' of human resources departments, do go a long way towards giving employees a sense that there is a way for them to be heard during conflicts.

The only way to handle the absence of adjudication at family companies is to be prepared. Even if things are going well, employees should always have an exit strategy. And if you are considering joining a family company as a CEO, or even a high-level manager, don't make a move unless you negotiate a severance package up front.

But what about your case? You don't seem to have a contract, and you say you don't want to quit. That means your only choice is, well, to adjust. You have to figure out the best way to work with the CEO's wife.

Forget her educational credentials, or lack thereof.

She's still your boss. So slow down your desire to make changes or speak out, and give her a chance to get to know you, and to trust you.

Yes, proper due diligence during the hiring process might have raised red flags, and perhaps you could have avoided the mess you're in. But it's too late for that now.

The nepotism you're encountering is part of the familyowned deal. Enjoy its benefits while they last.

Q All this talk about winning makes me wonder: Is there any place for losers in this world? Only a small percentage of people succeed. What should all the non-winners do, just kill themselves?

S Gopal, Bangalore, India What a question! It has to mean you see winning in purely economic terms. That's just not how it has to be. We think about winning another way . . . as setting personal goals and achieving them, and (just as important) enjoying the experience on the way. Winning has nothing . . . or everything . . . to do with your job.

Yes, you can win as a corporate executive, but you can win just as meaningfully as a carpenter, maths teacher or singer in a wedding band. You can win raising a family, caring for your parents or being a good friend, as long as those are the dreams you picked for yourself.

Indeed, the biggest winners in the world are those who answer 'Yes' to the question, 'Am I living the life I choose?'

One of the biggest winners we know is a person who, by your economic definition, would probably not qualify at all. James O'Connell graduated from Harvard Medical School. But instead of pursuing a prestigious and lucrative career, he has spent the past 22 years driving a van around Boston practically every night, delivering medical care to the homeless.

He lives simply; money doesn't matter to him. And yet O'Connell's life is full of joy, and he is beloved by everyone lucky enough to know him, from street people to senators.

Winning and losing can't be quantified. They are states of mind, and losing happens only when you give up. Seen that way, then, the world can be filled with winners, and there is room for them all.

Jack and Suzy Welch are the authors of the international best-seller Winning. You can email them questions at Winning@nytimes. com. Please include your name, occupation, city and country.