She never pulled the trigger but she had thought about killing herself from the moment he raped her. She was 11 years old.

"Later, I wondered if he'd shown me how to load the gun because he wanted me to take my own life. The funny thing was, I always thought about shooting myself. I never even considered killing him."

Joanne chain-smokes in the back room of her home on the outskirts of south Belfast: "It helps my nerves." Photos of her daughters, aged eight and 10, smiling in cowboy hats and fancy dress, adorn the mantelpiece.

The girls have been sent away for the day so their mother can talk to the Sunday Tribune.

"They know their grandfather is in jail but not what for. They're too young to be burdened with that. I'll tell them when they're 14 or 15.

"I still have nightmares. I wake up in a cold sweat. For years, when I made love to my husband, I saw my father's face. I'm still trying to cope, and my treatment by the authorities recently has made me feel absolutely worthless."

Joanne, 38, is an intelligent, gentle woman. She is on medication for depression which has led to substantial weight gain. She has just been refused compensation for the abuse she suffered.

"It's disgraceful, " says her solicitor, Padraigin Drinan. "After Joanne's father was convicted in 2003, she applied for compensation. But the law, from 1978 to 1983, stated that a child wasn't entitled to compensation if raped by a member of the same household. That law was subsequently changed but a loophole means it only applied to new cases; victims from 1978-83 get nothing.

"I've six clients in the same situation as Joanne.

They feel completely devalued. One woman was already under immense pressure. This was so humiliating, it pushed her over the edge. She killed herself.

"We're not talking about huge sums of money.

The compensation levels for child abuse are miserly. These women would be receiving only £5,500-£12,000. I'll fight their case every inch of the way."

When the compensation agency refused Joanne's application, Drinan asked for a review, which she lost. Westminster's Northern Ireland Affairs Committee has recommended a change in the law to cover pre-1983 victims. But rather than wait for legal change, Drinan says, the compensation agency has referred Joanne's case to the North's Criminal Injuries Compensation Appeals Panel.

"The current law means this panel must reject Joanne's claim. Once it's rejected, she can't resubmit. So, even when the law is eventually changed, she won't get a penny."

It started in the summer of 1977. Joanne was 11. "My mum was in and out of hospital with diabetes. It was the first day of the summer holidays.

I was really excited about moving to secondary school in September. My father played on that.

"'You're a big girl now, you can stay up late and watch the film with me, ' he said. My mum and my two younger sisters went to bed. It was an old black-and-white movie, Jekyll and Hyde.

"He told me I'd be a woman soon. He asked if I knew the facts of life. I didn't even talk to mum about things like that. I didn't think about sex or wee lads. 'I'll show you how to have sex with a boy, ' he said. He got me on the floor and penetrated me. I don't remember if it was sore or if I bled.

I just remember the carpet being hard. Then he said: 'Don't tell your mum. She's ill and this would kill her. I really love you, that's why I've done this.'" Joanne's father was a principal warder, the highest rank of uniformed officer, in the prison service. "He was a Protestant, my mother was a Catholic. He wasn't bigoted. He bought handkerchiefs and other stuff from the IRA prisoners. He wasn't handsome . . . he looked like Bruce Forsyth . . . but he was the most charming man you'd ever meet."

Over the next three years, he raped her three times, but other sexual abuse was constant.

"My sister and I shared bunk beds and while she slept above me, he'd come into the room, pull up my nightdress and touch me.

"Later, I remembered other stuff. He bathed me when I was very young and played this game, 'where's the soap?', hiding it where he could touch me sexually.

"He'd take me off with him to the Circuit of Ireland rally. We slept in the car at night. He said it was to get a good position for the next day. He'd touch my breasts. If my nipples got erect he'd say, 'Oh you're all sexed up.' I thought, 'I never want to feel like this again. I never want anyone to touch me like this again'."

Joanne told no-one: "It was weird. I tried to shut it out. I became a hollow person. I'd no emotions. From the day he raped me, I stopped being a girl but I never became a woman. I never wanted to get dressed up and wear high heels.

Even now, I don't feel like a proper woman."

The fifth time he tried to rape her, she told him to stop. "I was in the bath. I don't know if he stopped because I had my period or because it was the first time I'd said no. For years, I felt guilty about not having said 'no' before. I just hadn't known what to do."

As a teenager, Joanne submerged herself in heavy metal. "I always dressed in black. If Goths had been around then, I'd have been a Goth.

My favourite song was the Rolling Stones 'Paint It Black'. 'I see a red door and I want it painted black/No colours any more I want them to turn black.' "I was always in a dark place. Happiness was something I couldn't achieve."

She met her husband, Connor, when she was 16. "He wasn't the typical fellow, he wasn't pushy about sex. He respected me. But I found letting somebody close was hard. I was always trying to break up with him but he never let me.

"Later, I had psychosexual therapy but it was still difficult. We split up a few months ago. We hadn't made love for four years. My husband was great but he said after living with me, as I struggled with everything, he felt like he'd been abused too. I don't want another relationship."

When Joanne was 22, she went to police about her father but then dropped the allegations after he begged her to, citing her mother's health. The following year, she told her mother.

"I rarely visited the house but when I did, mum would say, 'Why are you so distant with your daddy? Be a good girl and give him a hug.'

One day, in anger, it all came out. She didn't seem shocked. She believed me but there was no 'Get the eff out of here' for him. I don't think she ever discussed it with him. Her attitude was 'Okay, that happened, now let's move on.' It was bizarre because she's a caring person. I'd a nervous breakdown."

Joanne's relationship with her family was erratic after that. When her father visited the hospital with flowers after her first daughter was born, her husband ordered him out.

In 2002, on learning her father had regular contact with her 11-year-old niece, she went to the police again. He was charged and pleaded guilty to raping Joanne. The court heard she was his "favourite daughter" and he felt "genuine remorse and now knows the damage he has caused".

He was sentenced to nine years in 2003 but the 50% remission rule for sex offenders in the North, which Joanne strongly opposes, means he will be released in two years.

"It'll be like an explosion and I fear it will destroy the bridges I've built with my mother. She says she'll allow him home because she can keep an eye on him and he'd pose a greater risk in a hostel. I don't agree with that. It's not her job to supervise him. But I don't argue because I'm not a confrontational person and I love her very much. They were teenage sweethearts. She says he gives £50 a month to the NSPCC to atone for what he's done. He sent me a book from jail with a verse on every page saying sorry. I threw it on the fire."

The compensation battle is symbolic for Joanne. "The authorities are effectively saying what happened me was insignificant. I can't accept that. The money isn't important but I know what I'd do with it. I'd take the girls to Euro Disney."