"Congratulations, it's triplets. Full Revenue Audit.

Vas-ect-omy. Herpes Simplex 10."

I laugh in their faces and I throw camel poo at the books that they are printed on. But "Pre-season training" . . . shuffle my shells. Mama, get me out of here.

It would not matter if we had a 10-month summer because you know that at the end of it, pre-season training beckoned. I had no stomach for it whatsoever and at the end of it I had nothing in my stomach either. When I look back and consider how stupendously ineffectual and marvellously wrong every training system or approach applied by club, province or national squad was, I have to laugh.

You couldn't doubt the bona fides of the trainers . . .

they wanted to get us fit, they just hadn't a clue how to do it.

Three hours of aimless running round a field and success was measured by the quantity of pools of vomit which glistened in the setting sun.

Leinster used to train in Wanderers during the summer.

The CHAPS (Collective Holdout Against Planning Society) pitches in Merrion Road are surrounded by coniferous trees.

Between the hours of 7 and 9pm it was Christmas time as the midges and the mozzies would feast on the fat-bottomed lady-boys. It was like Mr Whippy driving into your driveway. I think we were brought there on purpose . . .

the premise being that if you kept running you wouldn't get bitten. There were so many of them that you normally swallowed half a dozen of them as you barked for oxygen on the goal-line. I still think I hold the world record for midge bites on one ballbag.

The horror continues today but in a more scientific and studiously systematic way.

Pre-season work has been underway for over a month now. The A squad went back on July 24 and the senior 30 went back last week.

Each province more or less gets on with its own programme without any apparent direct intervention from either Mike McGurn or Liam Hennessy. In order to get a strong aerobic base the squads do hill-running . . . Munster do Cratloe Hill, Leinster do Killiney Hill. Some of you will have walked up Killiney Hill, it's a good blow-out at a leisurely walking pace, imagine running up it once . . . that would get the heart going.

Imagine doing it 10 times . . . I'd pre-book St Johns Ambulance just in case.

While you're flipping burgers or three putting this weekend, the senior squad are slipping out of the country to go to Spala in Poland.

The main benefits of Spala are undoubtedly the availability of cryotherapy. Essentially the squad can be worked hard during the day, then dispatched into the cryogenic chamber . . . the cold temperatures in the chamber force the blood to flow from the extremities (arms and legs) to the central core (torso). The blood stops the body's organs from freezing.

This has the net effect of cleaning all the lactic acid out of the system through the liver and kidneys, leaving the players ready and fresh to go the next morning. From a coach/trainer perspective it's great. I would have reservations about putting your internal organs under that sort of pressure, though . . . it can't be good to do that for the duration of a week.

One of the things I do agree with is the focus on core plyometrics. Five or six years ago, there was a big push to elevate upper body strength levels to the same standard as the SANZA sides. Strength training was centred on pecs, traps, tricep/biceps and deltoid muscle groups. Now there is a greater awareness on the non-obvious . . . a realisation that attention to lower back, abdomen, groin and hip muscle groups will pay huge dividends.

If you have watched the Tri-Nations over the last couple of years you will probably be aware that most of the players, particularly the Kiwis, have a greater propensity to accomplish difficult tasks in contact. They can ride tackles better, maintain momentum and garner more yardage through an improved centre of gravity. They can sustain better body angles to either support players, or hit rucks and stay on their feet and compete at the tackle zone more effectively. Brian O'Driscoll is the ultimate scavenger at the tackle zone because he has enhanced middle body strength, but it is something you really have to work at . . . it's crushingly boring and requires great concentration and dedication, most of the work done in the pre-season.

The weights room has now become a battlefield for preeminence on the pitch. Professional union is about power. Muscle, if applied correctly, wins games. It is significant that the two players, Stephen Keogh and Trevor Hogan, who joined from Munster are cleaning, benching and squatting considerably heavier weights than their Leinster colleagues.

Munster's game plan is rudimentary. Essentially one or two passes off the ruck, contact, clean and go again. It is essential that those who carry and indeed those who clean have the requisite strength to apply themselves.

Leinster are not going to ape Munster in this area . . .

they have handled bigger, stronger packs in the past but it helps to improve. Leinster have brought in Brad Harrington, another rugby league coach, granted, but this guy is impressive. Different ideas, new voice, greater intensity and Leinster are suddenly working harder in the weights room in the pre-season.

The players go back to Spala again at the end of the month and all the provinces head to different parts of Europe for a week of higher intensity training . . . Leinster go to Dax for a week. Downtown Dax ain't a happening place . . . neither is downtown Spala. The work gets done, the horror quotient is still the same, and the application is honest and professional. The benefits are tangible and the pros just like their dowdy predecessors are waiting for the pre-season to accelerate to an end.

Don't ever quibble about what they are paid . . . they earn every cent.