How to play
1 Watch whatever game is on.

2If there are other games on, watch for 10 minutes and then turn over to the next game.

3If a goal is scored, you must drink.

A goal from open play means a shot must be downed. A goal from a setpiece (directly or indirectly) means the opening of a bottle or can. And an own goal, in honour of Gary Ablett, requires a measure of the house's finest Scotch.

4A goal must be witnessed in live form for a drink to be taken.

5A goal witnessed means that the match must be watched for a further 10 minutes before being turned over.

6Now, to gambling. Before the matches start, bet on them all to finish 0-0. If a goal is witnessed, ring/send runner to your friendly bookie and bet double the amount on no more goals. If you witness a second goal in a match double money again and again place it on no more goals. And so on.

The theory is that the matches will either be great and goal-packed, leading to much merriment, or they will be dull and goal-shy, leading to financial gain with which to enjoy a proper night once it's all over. Like most seminal experiments/terrible drinking sessions, this charade was carried out alone, to start with anyway.

Wednesday, 5.23pm Ring friendly bookies to back five 0-0 draws for a tenner each.

5.32 Lithuania v Scotland begins with a flurry of goalmouth action as three excellent chances are missed in the opening two minutes. Shift uncomfortably in seat.

5.45 Eye bottle of lager longingly.

5.58 Kenny Miller is booked. Consider making bookings worth half a shot.

6.15 Half-time. Wish other games were on. Console self with the thought of being bored but rich.

6.34 GOAL! Christian Dailly nods one in from a corner. Crack open bottle of cheap American lager and call friendly bookies to put 20 on 'no more goals' (NMG) at 7-4.

6.50 GOAL! Kenny Miller volleys home. Consume shot of Irish cream liqueur. Ring bookies to put 40 on NMG at evens. Wish I'd started with a fiver.

7.00 Try to explain to newly-arrived female flatmate who I barely know why I'm sitting in front of Lithuania v Scotland with a bottle of lager and a shot glass with evident traces of liqueur at seven o'clock in the evening. Fail miserably.

7.12 GOAL! A spectacular Lithuanian bicycle kick loses me 70. Begin to think this might not be my night. Drink a shot.

7.15 On to Slovakia v Czech Republic.

7.25 GOAL! Some Sionko lad scores a header after eight minutes. Drink shot.

Ignore pitying looks from newly-arrived flatmate. Ring bookies to put tenner on NMG.

7.36 GOAL! Sionko lad puts Czechs two up. Drink shot. Wonder what the Slovakian for sixes and sevens is. Call bookies to put 20 on NMG. Swear I can hear mocking laughter in background.

8.02 Switch to England v Macedonia. Exclaim excitedly that there's four games on simultaneously now. Flatmate smiles nervously and nods.

8.12 Switch to France v Italy. France are one up already. Consider changing 'goal witnessed = drink' rule to 'goal = drink'.

Decide against it.

Laugh at the fact that Italy are coached by the lead singer of The Flaming Lips instead.

8.21 GOAL! Thierry Henry puts French 2-0 up.

Drink shot. Begin to crave lager.

8.22 Forget that goal means extra 10 minutes viewing. Switch to Northern Ireland v Spain. Ring bookies to bet on NMG in France v Italy. Betting suspended as Italy have scored. Man on other end of phone laughs. Begin to feel dizzy and resentful. Lament the fact that Northern Ireland are playing while an epic is taking place in Paris.

8.32 GOAL! Xavi scores for Spain, sadly not from a set-piece. Drink shot.

Ring evil bookies who don't seem to need my account number any more.

8.33 Switch to Slo v Cze. Czechs now 30 up. Regret entire gambling element. Throw paper at TV. Flatmate makes excuses and goes to bed. Drift off for a bit.

8.50 Wake up surprised that it's not 11.30. Turn on Norn Iron v Spain.

1-1. Long for setpiece goal as hangover symptoms start to set in. Jackie Fullerton not helping.

9.08 Switch to Eng v Mac. England one up.

Decide to abandon gambling element entirely apart from one last punt on Northern Ireland holding out against Spain. No more goals, surely. Hear Peter Crouch described as the best striker in the world. Resist urge to vomit.

9.18 GOAL! Govou scores again for France. Pretend it was a set-piece, have a beer.

9.28 GOAL! Villa scores for Spain and last chance of making any cash is gone.

Drink shot. Begin to wish I'd followed instinct and put entire SSIA money on Arctic Monkeys winning the Mercury Music Prize.

9.38 Mac v Eng. Begin to drift off.

Northern Ireland equaliser flashes up on screen. Decide to abandon system entirely and watch remainder from Belfast.

10.04 GOAL! David Healy (left) scores the winner against Spain. Raise final glass of the night to him. Hell of a game.

Fall asleep.

12.25 Wake up to hear Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen on Match of the Day discussing Northern Ireland win. Hear Shearer say "Ooh, the Guinness'll be flowing tonight in Ireland." Hear Hansen say "Oooh!" back. Throw bottle of Irish cream liqueur at television.

12.26 Experiment ends.

phoran@tribune. ie