Oddly, it claimed that "population density, proximity to the coast and quality of services" (my italics) were important determinants of well-being, which doesn't exactly square with the rural preference. Living by the coast is something else, I'll give you that. But if quality of services is what you're after, forget rural Ireland.

City dwellers' idea of country life is often based on what they see on a weekend visit . . . the windy cliff walks, the size of the sky, the jovial intimacy of the local pub, the possibilities of the garden. They are fleetingly jealous of your life. They think if they lived in the country, it would be all herb-growing and bread-baking and neighbours dropping by. Then they go back to their cinemas, art galleries, live music, swimming pools, book shops, safe speed limits, good coffee, public transport, and the possibility of meeting people they haven't met before.

There are umpteen shocks associated with moving to the Irish countryside: There's the one-bus-a-week phenomenon, leaving on a Friday and not coming back for seven days;

there's the 100-mile round trip to the cinema; there's the higher ESB standing charge coupled with endless power cuts; there's the "local" library with its 11 books; there's the bleak mid-winter. There's the fact that you don't actually turn into a cake-decorating earth goddess; you're just the same except with a nice view.

But easily one of the most gruesome and lasting shocks of country life is having to cope with Eircom on a whole new level. It's one thing that Eircom won't offer you broadband.

You almost expect that. It comes as a small surprise, alright, when they won't even offer you ISDN. But the fact that the lines from the exchange are too poxy even to cope with straightforward dial-up internet is really astonishing.

This realisation marks the first phase of what will become a protracted, infuriating and ultimately hopeless process of dealing with a privately owned monopoly. It puts years on you.

First you have to find someone in Eircom to complain to. This means getting past the Eircom recordedvoice experience, preferably without screaming, but even that only takes you so far. When you finally get through to the human being, the one with the IQ in two figures, you find they have been instructed to repeat the same sentence again and again.

They test your line. They find it works alright for phone calls. They say:

"There's no problem with your line, I've just tested it." You say it's not working for the internet. You may have to explain what the internet is.

They check with the supervisor. They say they're not under any obligation to guarantee the quality of data traffic, only voice traffic.

You ask whether it's fair that you should pay the same rental price for an inferior line. They say they're not under any obligation to guarantee the quality of data trafficf You ask if they have any plans to improve the line.

They say they're not under any obligation to guarantee the quality of data traffic. You complain to Comreg.

They're very sympathetic. Nothing happens.

The best remedy for indifferent mental health is not moving to the countryside at all, it's leaving Eircom.

That is what makes it all the more galling that Eircom was allowed last Monday to disconnect 45,000 Smart Telecom customers.

If you don't pay your Eircom phone bill, they cut you off. The fact that they can also cut off customers who presumably had paid their (Smart) phone bills stinks to high heaven. This proves that Eircom's monopoly is unassailable. The company just cannot be got at. It can extend its fat, clammy fingers around any regulatory obstacle and grab you.

If it were still a state-owned company, at least the public might stand to benefit indirectly from this. But allowing a private company to play havoc like this with what is supposed to be a free market, is an absolute scandal.

Eircom has just under three-quarters of the fixed-line market, according to Comreg's latest report. It claims it's owed 4.3m, a sum disputed by Smart. Meanwhile, Smart told the High Court last year that restrictions imposed by Eircom on its broadband service were costing it 47m a year. And are we to believe that the fact that Eircom wants Smart's 3G licence, and that a verdict is due shortly in Smart's court action against the regulator for withdrawal of the licence, is neither here nor there?

So-called broadband "penetration" in Ireland is at a paltry 8%, mainly because so many people are depending on Eircom to provide it, and Eircom will not provide it. Comreg claims, somewhat defensively, that the average in the EU is 14%. The EU includes some of the most impoverished new member states. If you compare like with like, we are second from the bottom.

It's been reported anecdotally that Eircom vultures have been circling stranded Smart customers to reconnect them to Eircom. Their work will be easy now because, out of fear that another telecoms company might end up in trouble, people are likely to return to the very operator that disconnected them unfairly, Eircom.

Most people are blaming Comreg for being at best hamstrung by legislation and at worst lily-livered. But when in doubt, blame the government. Eircom should never have been allowed to retain ownership of the national telecoms infrastructure when it was privatised. Government should admit this mistake for once and for all, and take it back.