THE PREMIERSHIP'S GREATEST FOREIGN PLAYERS Sky One, Tuesday THE MATCH Sky One, all week LET'S try some word association. What's the first animal you think of when you hear the name John McCririck?

Assuming that you know who he is, if you're a man you probably thought horse. If you're a woman, you probably thought pig. I'm running the risk of generalising here, but let's face it, you all love generalisations.

McCririck, for those who don't know, is a racing betting expert and big hairy heap of chauvinism. In his day job he refers to his co-presenter as "female" rather than her given name. While appearing on Celebrity Big Brother he aired his dated views on a woman's role in society and insisted on doing little but leer at his female housemates.

So McCririck was close to the top of the list when the producers of Celebrity Wife Swap were deciding who to parade in front of the public.

The original Wife Swap was the nicotine of reality TV:

exploitative, nasty and utterly addictive. Excuses for human beings were displayed in the name of sociological experimentation and the results were enthralling. The celebrity version, though, was duller than a flat meeting with no bookies.

McCririck's wife (who he calls Booby, after a stupid bird) swapped places with former Conservative MP Edwina Currie.

Currie was inevitably shocked at McCririck's treatment of his wife . . . who brings him food as he sits in bed watching television, before eating alone . . . and resolved to change his ways. To his (dis)credit, McCririck's medieval ramblings and lifestyle don't seem to be for show and he steadfastly refused to see anything resembling sense. For the show to work, there has to be at least a glimmer of willingness on the protagonists' part to compromise. He wouldn't even get out of bed, making for a frustrating hour of television.

Less predictable was the order of the Premiership's top 50 foreigners. Continuing Sky's Stalinist purge of anything that happened in English soccer before 1992, it was a public vote for the best nonEnglish/Scottish/Welsh players of the past 14 years in England's top division.

Which, admittedly, isn't as catchy as The Premiership's Greatest Foreign Players.

The Irish were regarded as foreign, which almost seems worthy of praise, in the same way that England fans who don't throw things at people when they go abroad are worthy of praise . . . as it should be, but well done anyway. Robbie Keane squeezed in at the lower regions of the 50, while Shay Given made it to 33.

Two Irishmen made the top 20, and while Keano the elder was inevitably in the top 10 (No 5), it was Denis Irwin who caused a minor shock by making it to 16.

Of course, there are lies, damned lies, and then internet votes, but this one seemed to be a reasonable approximation. Thierry Henry finished top, with Eric Cantona second and Gianfranco Zola in third. Ruud van Nistelrooy only made it to 11, surely a reflection of public opinion of his personality rather than his undoubted gifts. His appearance did provide the funniest moment, as the show's makers soundtracked his montage with Father Ted Eurovision entry, 'My Lovely Horse'. Genius.

Similar public opprobrium was endured by Brian McFadden on Sky One's The Match, the annual kickabout between a team of 'celebrities' and a team of 'legends'. Every night last week, celebrity manager Graham Taylor chose three players to face eviction by public vote. McFadden was gone the minute his ample posterior touched the bench.

He hadn't been particularly impressive, but seemed to be a decent finisher in a team woefully short on firepower. But as the great Bill Shankly once said, "You can't appear to treat Kerry Katona badly and hope to get a run out on a Sunday".

The rest of the celebrity squad is made up of Mark Bosnich, Martin Offiah, Alec Stewart, Darren Campbell and some people I've never heard of. That's a lie, of course, I'm only trying to sound cool in front of the sport kids. There's also Rocky Marshall (Holby City actor and former heavyweight champion of the world), Ralf Little (Little & Large), and Harvey (an imaginary rabbit that only Paul Gascoigne can see).

The team they face features Gascoigne, Peter Beardsley, Chris Waddle, and the 16th greatest foreign player in England's top division over the past 14 years, Denis Irwin. They actually had Irwin getting as close as he's ever done to trash talking the opposition, dismissing them as "a bunch of actors". Down, boy.

Still, Peter Reid is manager of the legends, so the celebrities are not without a chance. The game itself is on live tonight, but if you want our advice, save yourself for the highlights show tomorrow night. Last year, fit and ready to pour scorn, On the Air found itself enjoying a slick and entertaining hour of telly on Sky One. Just don't tell anyone.