Matt Holland. The great tragedy of last Saturday's match in Nicosia wasn't the result, or the performance, it was the station. TV3, bless them, didn't come close to reflecting the mood of a nation. "Well, the lads will be disappointed with the performanf" Blip.

So we waited for the three wise men to speak. At least they'd be there for the execution. After the previous Saturday's blackest of comedies, we tuned in for Wednesday's snuff film. Where these broadcasts usually open to the strains of the Chemical Brothers or one of Keane's livelier numbers, this time we got the soundtrack to a trip across the River Styx.

Our previous humiliations were flashed up before our eyes: Denmark, Austria, Liechtenstein, none comparable to the Cypriot massacre. "It's been a miserable few days, " said Bill. So miserable in fact, that Bill wasn't quite himself, perhaps a little disoriented to be out of the studio and in the Lansdowne Road gantry.

(Errors included describing the away fans as being from Czechoslovakia. Trevor Welsh used the same term last Saturday. Lads, seriously, this isn't Italia '90. There are most likely young mothers in the less salubrious areas of Prague and Bratislava that have never known life in Czechoslovakia. Slovakia are also in our group. Two countries. Get it right. ) Possibly fearful of being lumped into the same bracket as those in the media that dress up as farm animals and try to gatecrash training sessions, the panel opted for barbs rather than hatchets when discussing Stephen 'Steve' 'Stan' Staunton. "Out of his depth , tactically inept, " said Dunphy. "Unsustainablef he needs to give us something to hang our coat on, " said Brady, mysteriously. "He was talking about a four-year plan. That's a stupid policy, " said Giles.

Over to Stephen/Stan/ Steve for his pre-match defence: "There's some great spin doctors out there." Yeah, the pesky media will always find a way of twisting a 5-2 loss to a team ranked 103 in the world into something negative. "There's something terribly sad about that, " worried Bill. "He's living in an unreal world." "He's in front of a firing squad at the moment. Can he get out of it?" said Brady, suddenly auditioning for a voiceover role in a new Batman TV show.

The anthems approached.

What's the best we can hope for? "A bit of spirit, " said Giles, "a bit of fight." And instead of a snuff film, we got a thriller, after some opening minutes that rivalled Saving Private Ryan for intensity. The Czechs got a free kick on the left direct from the kick-off. Note to Ryder Cup ad people, that is what a million people holding their breath sounds like. A couple of minutes later, Tomas Rosicky hoofed the ball out of play near the halfway line, and the crowd went wild. For a few mercifully brief moments, we felt what it must be like to be Faroe Islands supporters.

Then normal service was resumed, spirit, pluck, dodgy tackles, Duffer crosses, Robbie misses, we draw with a European power, you all know the drill. "As good as it gets in the circumstances, " said George Hamilton at the final whistle, forgetting the concept of three points.

Should we have won the game John? "Well, we could have won the game. Robbiechance had af sorry, Robbie Keane had a good chance at the end." Like so many great inventions, it happened by accident. Robbiechance!

Argentina had Batigol, we have Robbiechance. Sometimes Giles doesn't even have to try.

So we'd secured one of our patented draw/wins, StanStephenSteve had dodged Brady's bullets and those Eircom inserts where the players give kids advice without them laughing in their faces seemed barely plausible. Everything's okay, isn't it?

"Hold on, hold on. We've seen a one-all draw against the Czech Republic, we haven't beaten Brazil, let's get a grip. He's been in the job nine months, he's had plenty of time to do his business properly and a lot of his business hasn't been done properly. There are no great sides in international football, Bill.

Baros, cheap. Koller, finished, playing for Monaco. They came here looking for a point.

We'll see what happens, it'll be very interesting. It won't be easy to get rid of him, it won't be easy to sack him."

Podge and Rodge shouldn't be doing the licence fee ads.

Eamon Dunphy should.