"The situation's not good, " she said. "The house is on his family land and he won't sell to move home. Instead he thinks he can sell to his family for nothing and expect us to live on peanuts."

Sean's problems are quite different. His exwife has told him she is taking him to court because he won't meet her financial demands and she has refused him access to their son and daughter until it's resolved. Sean can't afford to give her more money and doesn't know what to do. "It's completely spiteful on her part and she knows it, " he said. "She has told me not to visit, but she knows that if I agree to this, she can bring it up in court and tell the judge that I haven't bothered to see my children. I don't know what to do."

The end of a marriage or long-term relationship is a messy and traumatic time for everyone, especially when there are children in the equation. The problem is: the end of the affair never really means it's over. Instead, the negotiations must start . . . who gets the house, who gets the children, how much maintenance should be paid? For many once-happy couples, the process inevitably turns nasty.

Bitter break-ups are all over the press.

Think Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, Chris and Ingrid Tarrant, Twink's 'zip-upyour-mickey' rampage against ex-husband David Agnew. Every intricate and nasty detail of these couples' break-ups has been breakfasttime reading for the entire country in the last few months. But for ordinary people going through the same thing, it is an intensely private, often-confusing affair, which changes the lives of both parties' irrevocably.

According to Camille Loftus of Open (the national network of lone parent groups), the end of a relationship usually spells a time of complete shock and readjustment. While stressing that many relationships can end amicably and both partners often take full responsibility for their children, she said the women they meet are often left to struggle single-handedly after a break-up.

"The income issue is one of the biggest problems, " she said. "Ninety five per cent of childminders are women; if they are full-time carers then they may instantly have no income.

Or if they were used to sharing childminding responsibilities with their partners, they may suddenly have to cut back their hours in work.

This is often the time when women have their first contact with social welfare, and that in itself is a shock to the system."

In order to qualify for a single mother's allowance, women must go through rigorous and invasive inspections to satisfy social welfare officials that they are no longer living with their partner, or anyone else. "A woman told me recently of how the inspector rang her up looking for her car insurance documents, " said Loftus. "She couldn't understand why they wanted them. It turns out the inspector noted she had a car, took the reg and checked to see if it was jointly insured with someone else. She was astounded. Most women can't believe what they have to go through when they are left by a partner, and that's only the start of it."

Suzie's marriage has just finished. "I have put up with mental torture and bullying for six years and it has taken the birth of my son to make me wake up to this, " she said. "It's time to get out." Suzie is happy to quit the marital home, but she paid for most of the mortgage and furniture. "Thanks to this, I have no savings, " she said. "But there's no point trying to come to some agreement with him as he just won't speak to me." Instead, she is moving back in with her parents until she can sort herself out.

Mothers caring for their children without any support from an ex-partner often struggle to make childcare payments and instead cut down their hours in work. "This means they will almost never get ahead in the workplace, because managerial positions just don't accommodate that kind of working week, " said Loftus. Getting rent supplement is an equally difficult process, with figures being so low that most women have to meet the rest of the costs themselves.

Loftus cited the case of a women who broke up with her partner and was left trying to pay the rent on their two-bed apartment herself.

"She had to cut her hours down in work to look after her child, but couldn't make the rent on the apartment. It's an awful situation when it happens and extremely isolating as well. All of a sudden, there is no back-up when something goes wrong and no one to celebrate with when the child reaches an important milestone."

A break-up affects both parties, however, and fathers do not emerge from a long relationship unscathed. Connor's marriage ended when his wife had an affair, but she retained the marital home and full custody of his two sons. Now he only sees his children every second weekend and whenever his ex asks him to babysit. She rings him up regularly asking for top-ups on her maintenance, and his financial situation is worsening. "There's definitely some emotional blackmail going on, but she has the children so she also has control, " he said.

According to Liam O Gogain of Parental Equality, fathers face huge problems following a relationship breakdown. While a mother brings up the children, a father is left with the fear he will lose his relationship with his children or that a stepfather figure will enter their lives and obliterate him completely.

"When the children are very young after a break-up there is a huge question of identity for fathers, " O Gogain said. "Will the children know who I am? Will a stepfather step on who I am? If the break-up wasn't amicable, there is a danger the ex-partner will put down the father to the children. Then there's the issue of whether you can really be a father, in a practical sense, when you're only seeing them for two days every fortnight. How can you really be there for them in terms of education and development when you enter their lives for a brief period every two weeks?"

O Gogain cited the case of a 33-year-old father he has been dealing with who is reaching breaking point. Michael earns 2,900 a month as a technician with a multi-national company. He pays 900 maintenance a month to his wife and three children and 900 to rent a home with enough bedrooms for the children to stay over in. He drives to work, which is over 35 miles away, and pays a car loan. He is left with just 900 a month for food, bills and living expenses. His wife has a new partner and they are expecting a new baby. Michael told the judge he is having trouble making ends meet, but was simply told to get more money if he wants to continue seeing his children.

"Now he is getting sick, displaying symptoms of multiple sclerosis and doesn't know what to do, " said O Gogain. "He can't give up work because he won't see his children. He can't carry on working because his health will continue to deteriorate. What does the state expect him to do?"

Maintenance is one of the biggest issues when it comes to a break-up and often has to be settled in court. O Gogain believes family law court judgements should be made public to everyone, so everyone understands how the system works. Instead, every case is in camera and no one knows how each case is settled.

According to Loftus however, fathers can still get away with skipping maintenance payments to their children, regardless of what court decision is made. "There's a limited incentive to get maintenance for most mothers, " she said. "Because the father may pay or he may not. Their social welfare is reduced the minute the court judgement is made, meaning when they don't get maintenance one week, they're short of money." There's also the huge upset experienced by children if their father fails to make his visit, she added.

Everyone agrees that the best way to have a break-up is not to be bitter about it. Couples who work out their own arrangements in mediation, including what happens to the finances, house and children, will often save themselves a huge amount of money and stress caused by going through the courts.

"Why can't people put their kids first?"

asked Alison, who is going through a messy divorce at the moment. "It would make things so much easier. Breaking up shouldn't be about getting one up on each other. It should be about giving your children love and spending time with them."

*Some names have been changed to protect people's identity >> www. oneparent. ie >> www. parentalequality. ie