Oisinn's a happy bunny and why wouldn't he be? The first 10,000 bottles of this scented holy water of his are in the factory, roysh, ready to hit the supermorket shelves. The only thing keeping the public from Take Up Thy Bergamot And Walk and Love One Another As I Have Loved Yuzu is that he still can't find a priest to bless them, which is the reason he's invited JP out here tonight, roysh, and the reason why, every time I look at JP, there's a full glass of Bailey's in front of the goy.

Anyway, roysh, at some point in the evening, Oisinn brings up the subject and JP . . . after drinking somewhere in the region of three pints of that shit . . .

turns him down flat.

Well, what he actually does, roysh, is point out that he's not even a priest yet, he's a student of theology and Oisinn goes, "The supermarkets aren't going to know that. See, they want to send someone out to inspect the operation, make sure it's kosher. I need someone to dress up in a priest's clobber and stand at the end of the production line, doing thisf" and he makes this, like, blessing sign. "Shit the bed, is that too much to ask?"

But I can actually see JP's POV.

I'm there, "Oisinn, the dude's powers aren't properly formed yet. Is that not, I don't know, focking around with the unknown, " and Oisinn goes, "It's not Harry Potter, Ross, " and he looks at me like I'm the one who's chicken oriental.

JP goes, "My position hasn't changed, Oisinn. Look, I wish you all the best with yourf venture.

But as far as I'm concerned what you're doing is sacrilegious. I want no hand, act or part in it, " and just as it's about to get ugly, Christian and Lauren arrive in.

"You guys drinking the proceeds?" Lauren goes.

She's referring to the money we got from the sale of Lillies.

I have to say, roysh, I really like Lauren but it's a goys only night.

What's Christian doing arriving in with a weight handicap?

"We've been on the computer all day looking at foreign property, " she goes, taking off her tennis racquet and hanging it on the back of my chair. They both sit down and Christian goes, "We wanted to invest the money in something. It seems like Poland is the place to buy."

JP goes, "No, Poland was the place to buy two years ago. The place to buy now is, well, we won't know for another two years. And by then it'll be somewhere else anyway, " and it's pretty obvious from the way he's talking, roysh, that it's not just Total Catholic that he's been reading. The dude's clearly still following the morkesh.

"What about Bolvania?" I go, trying my best not to sound too desperate.

He's there, "You mean Bulgaria? No, Bulgaria's a beaten docket, in my view. Look, Poland I can understand. Low standard of living. Good lending terms.

Twenty per cent capital growth.

But Bulgariaf My old man's trying to offload apartments over there at the moment. Meant to say to you goys, don't touch them with a borgepole."

I suddenly feel weak. It's pretty obvious I've focked up in a major way here . . . and not even with the old man's money this time. Like a fool, I actually used my own.

Sorcha is SO not going to be a happy bunny.

I don't know if the rest of the goys notice but I'm pretty quiet for the rest of the night. Oisinn notices because at one point I'm in the TK Maxx, draining the lizard, and he sidles up next to me and goes, "You bought one, didn't you?" and I'm there, "I don't want to talk about it."

To cut a long story short, roysh, by 11.30 JP the Third's off his tits and he announces that he's getting a taxi home, as in back to Maynooth. So that's when Oisinn turns to me and goes, "We'll give him an hour . . .

then we'll hop in a Jo and follow him out, " and of course I'm so mullered at this stage I don't even ask why.

The point at which I storted to sober up was at, like, 1.30 in the morning, roysh, when we were sat outside the aportments . . .

focking ant colony . . . where JP lives and Oisinn storted pouring what smelled like petrol all over this, like, rhododendron bush directly under JP's gaff.

So naturally, roysh, I end up going, "What are you doing?" and Oisinn's there, "I'm going to talk to him in the only language his crowd understand, " and before I can say anything he's lit a match and thrown it at the bush and suddenly it's like . . . whoosh! . . . the thing is like Felipe Contepomi at the moment, in other words, on focking fire.

So Oisinn dives head-first into the undergrowth, I follow him and . . . I didn't even notice this in the taxi, that's how hammered I was . . . he's picked up a focking traffic cone somewhere between Donnybrook and this place and now he's got it up to his mouth, roysh, and he's going, "JPf JPf" in this really deep voice.

After, like, five minutes of this, roysh, JP staggers out onto the second-floor balcony . . . still off his face remember . . . sees the bush ablaze and goes, "Speak, Lord, your servant is listeningf" I swear to God, roysh, I nearly focking herniated laughing.

Oisinn . . . he actually does a seriously good impression of God . . . goes, "JP, I'm worried my message is no longer being heard. I've chosen you out of everyone else in the world to help me get our product out there. We must reach more people . . . even if we have to use supermarkets."

JP . . . in fairness he looks pretty scared as well as pissed . . . goes, "I don't understand, Lord, " and Oisinn's there, "You must help your handsome friend, Oisinn, with his endeavours. Fear not that old blasphemy nonsense . . . he is doing my work, " and JP goes, "Yes, Father."

I swear to God, roysh, I'm laughing so much I'm going to need oxygen in a minute.

Then, almost as an afterthought, Oisinn goes, "Oh and JP, I have another message for you and your fellow, I don't know, earthlingsf Bulgaria is the place to invest, " and suddenly he has to put his hand over his mouth, roysh, to stop himself laughing.

JP doesn't answer for ages.

Then he goes, "I didn't think it was, Lord, what with the oversupply of rental properties and the fall in house price growth from 36 to 17.8 per cent."

And Oisinn . . . this is a cracker . . .

he goes, "I work in mysterious ways, my child. Now I must go. I have stuff to do."

When JP's gone back to bed, roysh, and we've stopped laughing, Oisinn turns around to me and goes, "Come on, let's see can we get a late drink in this focking town."

Ross's Guide To Life Text Ross your thoughts on 086 333 2272 for a chance to win a 'You so would' t-shirt Some dude called Eric goes, "I text in every wk but u never put it in the paper, d u tink ur better than me cause im from coolock?"

Nope, it's because I'm from Foxrock. But you're getting a t-shirt for your persistence.

Some goy called Pete is there, "So here's the basic story, I used to live in foxrock but my stupid rents made me move to cork, NEway the birds have this xpression here, 'Im c4 to the core, ' n I hav 2 tell them in fact ur actually just boggers."

How can your old pair subject you to that? And what are social services doing about it?

BOD fan is like, "So how do I get a t-shirt with the face of the man who has had his 5 seconds of fame that he thinks will carry him into the next millennium?"

Not by flattering me like that anyway.

Jimmy in Templeogue goes, "How about a pic of holly valance, she's so hot right now."

Aren't we all, Jimmy. Aren't we all.