The 70th Fianna Fail ardfheis was the political equivalant of John and Yoko's 'bed-in', managing to drum up all the excitement and controversy of a debate on celibacy by a silent order of monks.

If anything, the tone was too selfcongratulatory for some. Bertie Ahern entered the press room at 11:40am looking like Quasimodo. He doesn't mind delegates shaking his hand, he explained, but the slaps on the back begin to hurt after a while.

And long after the physical backslapping had ceased, the verbals continued. Almost half the motions passed began with the words, "that this ardfheis congratulates the Government". Like newly-weds, the party leadership and party members argued over who loved the other most. In reality, this was a renewal of vows between two wings of an organisation set for their 10th consecutive year of governance.

This is, after all, a government that has, on three recent occasions, broken up the Dail because it ran out of things to say. With a speaking record like that, this ardfheis was never going to be a classic.

Outside the conference centre, the merchandise stall was doing a roaring trade, with t-shirts bearing the faces of former taoisigh proving especially popular. Requests for a Jack Lynch in yellow fell on deaf ears, although there was an Andy Warholstyle t-shirt of the current taoiseach, boasting six portraits of Bertie turning from yellow, to blue, to red. The girls behind the stall refused to confirm whether this item was a commemorative t-shirt of Ahern's recent interview with Bryan Dobson.

Also on offer were de Valera placemats, which, in true Long Fella style, would soak up all your excess agricultural produce. The merchandise stall was ideal for Christmas shopping, the only question facing the party faithful being whether the items would be offered as Christmas gifts or Christmas loans.

Delegates who were deterred by the merchandise's price tags stood outside and took in the wonderful setting of the Citywest Hotel. And why not? What better representation of modern Ireland than a hotel and golf course located in a traffic jam and surrounded by thousands of apartments filled with exiled Dubs?

Back inside, Michael Martin told us that Fianna Fail had always believed in economic growth, which, technically speaking, isn't exactly true.

Noel Dempsey strode on stage next telling us that the party had been boosted in opinion polls because the people realised that there was no alternative, which may well be true but also had a slightly North Korean ring to it.

Make no mistake . . . the Soldiers of Destiny are ready for battle. Let's just hope they don't all put their backs out in the process.