Poor Britney. I never liked her when she was writhing around in a school uniform, in a twinpronged marketing attack which speared both little children and their slavering dads. I didn't like her when she was ripping off her suit to reveal a beige body stocking, liberally sprinkled with spangles. I didn't even like her when she got married, plastered, for the first time in Las Vegas, although I think that's when my heart started to melt.

But I kind of like her now. We've seen her fat and we've seen her thin (well, fairly thin . . . Britney's a healthy sort of girl). We've seen her drunk and we've seen her sober.

We have even, thanks to the magical properties of the zoom lens, been invited to count Britney's spots. Everyone is getting snooty about Britney and her pre-nup (drawn up on the advice of her mother), and how awful she looked when she was pregnant (most unfair), and now the fact that she dumped her husband with a text message.

Look, we've all been there. Women have a fatal weakness for the long and heartfelt chat. You know "I'm feelingf what I'm getting from you isf what I'm saying is that we really have to work at this". First of all, they rehearse these little chats with their girlfriends, who tell them they're absolutely right. But for the most part, these state-of -our-relationship tirades are a waste of everybody's time and, in retrospect, a mortifying mistake.

It's usually the women who drag the men to marriage counselling, so that there can be a third party to witness these futile monologues. And a fat lot of good it does us. Now Britney has acted on the advice of that old showbiz number 'Why Can't A Woman Be More Like A Man' (My Fair Lady, do keep up) and said her goodbyes in unequivocal and unemotional terms.

What it lacks in sensitivity, a text message certainly makes up for in clarity.

Or perhaps it is simply a question of technology. Remember how upset we were when Daniel Day Lewis dumped Isabel Adjani by fax? Britney has become the Daniel Day Lewis of the 21st century . . . condemned for her use of electronic equipment. It doesn't seem right. This is, after all, a milestone in the history of the mobile phone. Even in the happiest of relationships, the modern couple is now so dependent on the mobile phone that it is hard to imagine what romance was like before you were able to text Where R U? 20 times each day. All over this planet, people break into little smiles as they read those powerful words Wot's 4 dnr?

For a modern, two-career couple such as Britney and Kevin . . . that is, FedEx . . . text messages must have been commonplace. If you're permitted to use the mobile to tell your partner that you love them, why can't you use it to dump them as well? It's a pretty safe bet that Britney is not the first person to do this; she is simply the most famous person to have done itf so far.

If FedEx wants someone to blame, he need look no further than her mother, apparently, who felt that Britney's career was suffering because she was married to a loser.

FedEx is retaliating by looking for custody of their two sons . . . who are as yet too young for texting . . . and spousal support. In other words, millions of $$$. It is all rather sad.

Britney, meanwhile, has lost almost two stone in six weeks . . . which is much more worrying . . . and is now wearing short skirts out to nightclubs again. You have to say, this girl is a fighter. She's a model of modern womanhood.

amhourihane@tribune. ie