Cheryl Tweedy

The poor man's Posh, ended up in court after punching a cloakroom attendant who stopped her stealing lollipops from a nightclub.

Classy!

Ronan Keating

Jusht sho annoying, but since his last record flopped, there is a glimmer of hope that Ro might just leave us alone soon. Fingers crossed.

Colin Farrell

Eh, howyiz, it's all gone a bit snoresome now that you're off the gargle hasn't it Collie?

PS, you're from Castleknock, stop pretending to be hard.

Jude Law

Take a look at Sienna Miller. Then look at Daisy Wright, the woman he cheated on her with. Now decide if this cravat-wearing cad has any taste.

Vernon Kay

Vernon presents Family Fortunes. One day, he may follow Les Dennis into pantomime . . . but you can only go so far with hair like a Lego man.

Enda Kenny

A giant uncool star for Enda for that fluffy hair, pretending to be matesey with Rabbitte, and telling porkies about knife attacks.

The Irish John Kerry?

Elizabeth Hurley

Liz used to dream of being an actress. Now she supplements the income from occasional film roles by selling tights and expensive bikinis.

Pat Kenny

You know Gaybo would have smacked yer man one for storming on the set. But all Pat could do was quiver and thank him. Grow some cajones Patty.

Derek Mooney

I don't care about owls, the Helix, spinning the wheel or Next suits. Be gone, chirpster.

Heather Mills

Estranged wife of former Beatle Paul, Lady Mucca, a former "glamour" model, is about to become one of the richest divorcees in history.

Chris Martin

Macrobiotic pop ponce who named his child after a fruit, and writes songs that sound as anaemic as his wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, looks.

Andrea Roche

Hello. I'm a robot. Buy some tiles.

Brian O'Driscoll

The BOD has shaken the shackles of Glenda and hit the dance floor of, em, Slapper Face Jacks. Old habits die hard, eh Brian? Grow up.

Anna Nolan

"I know, lets get a chick on The Panel." Try for someone with a sense of humour next time boys.

Alex Ferguson

The only man in British football who is more annoying than Jose Mourinho. But unlike the Chelsea boss, he has the fashion sense of a bus conductor.

David Hasselhoff

Came within a nanosecond of achieving coolness, scuppered by reports of a mystery wet patch around his groin on a recent plane journey.

Peaches Geldof

Asked about Bob's daughter, Lily Allen said: "I'd like to kick her over. . . I would probably, like, stamp on my can of Magners and stab it in her ear."

Chris Tarrant

His wife hired a private detective to catch his affair with a charity worker who looks just like her. Not cool, Chris.

Pete Doherty

Pointless junkie who owes his high profile to court appearances, and an on-off relationship with Kate Moss.

Sometimes he's a musician.

Oasis

Cocky, middle-aged, Beatles tribute band who've barely mustered a good song.

Doesn't stop them slagging everybody else off, of course.

Naomi Campbell

Maybe we should overlook the ego.

Maybe we should overlook her penchant for punching an innocent employee. Or maybe not.

Russell Brand

Looks . . . in his own words . . . like "an S&M Willy Wonka". At the 2006 NME awards, Bob Geldof summed it up: "Russell Brand. . .what a twat."

Gerry Ryan

The sleazy voice, the knee jerk ill-informed opinions the gigantic lips and greasy hair.

We do not need this man in our lives.

Ralph Fiennes

Good-looking, rich, talented. Works with Hollywood superstars, and romances some of the world's most beautiful women. So why the long face?

Tom Cruise

The pint-sized Scientologist showed his true colours when someone squirted a water pistol at him in Leicester Square: he called him a jerk.

Dave Fanning

Justbecauseyoutalk reallyfastcompressing yoursentencesinto nonsensicalphrases doesnotmeanyouare in-anywayinformative.

Glenda Gilson

The swearing, posing, partying, husky chancer. Lots of hard neck and pushiness, but not the best at the aul Trivial Pursuit.

Jonathan Rhys Myers

The pouty oh so serious thespian who changed his name and accent to get attention.

Loosen up sweetheart.

James Blunt

Sounds like a girl, dresses like a tramp.

Changed his surname from Blount in a bid to hide a cut-glass background: Harrow and Household Cavalry.

Sile Seoige

There's nothing better than a battle of the sisters. Unfortunately, it's a bit sad when one of them is blatantly riding on the Grainne coattails. Now Sile has decided to do an Ashlee Simpson and commit serious Grainne identity theft. Lack of individuality = uncool.

Sienna Miller

One day, Sienna will make a film that isn't completely rubbish.

Until then, she'll have to carry on getting famous men to escort her up red carpets.

Gary Lineker

Once, Gary was a wonderful footballer.

Now the perma-tanned boulevardier has been reduced to flogging crisps to obese schoolchildren.

Des Lynam

Never trust a man with a moustache bigger than a potato croquette. Whinged about commuting to Countdown.

Paul McCartney

Forget Heather. At Macca's age you do not wear a leather jacket, or smoke pot, or dye your hair. Do we still need Paul now that he's 64?

Barry Egan

Listen Baz, just because you write complete fluff on people does NOT mean they are going to be your mates. What's uncool? Not being real homie. Get it together.

Mel Gibson

Pariah status, after being caught drinkdriving in Hollywood and telling the arresting office: "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world."

Kate Moss

Emerged from her brush with the law more bankable than ever, but surely that relentless overexposure has got to end soon. Please?

Mark Cagney

So your nose fell into your hands when you were on the naughty salt in the '80s. Real partiers don't need to boast, reveal or regret.

Put a sock in it.

David McWilliams

Blackrock boys are always uncool. Stop waving your arms about as mechanisms of punctuation and change your shirt dude.

Gavin Lambe Murphy

I'm gay! I'm straight!

I'm a 'writer'! I'm a waiter! I'm a model!

I'm rich! I'm poor! I'm bored.

Jamie Oliver

We used to love this mockney geezer with his pukka rubs and tasty sizzles but for God's sake let the kids eat turkey twizzlers if they want to.

David Walliams

Responsible for some of the most annoying catchphrases in TV history. Bought Noel Gallagher's old house in achingly trendy Primrose Hill.

Thierry Henry

Lost Arsenal the European Cup. Dived his way to the World Cup final. Paid £100K a week. Enough to make you va-va-vomit.

Jordan (aka Katie Price)

At the World Music Awards, an American publicist was overheard discussing the pneumatic former porn star thus: "Who is that transvestite?"

Steve Staunton

The dodgy hair, the dodgier results, the confused look in his eyes and the worst accent that's in need of some serious gaffer tape across the trap.

Victoria Beckham

It takes genius to talk of protecting children from publicity while making Elton John and Liz Hurley (qv) their godparents.

Ray Shay

Go away.

Graham Norton

Nowhere near as funny as he thinks he is. The noisy camp comic has become a tragic parody of his former (mildly amusing) self. So uncool.

Podge and Rodge

One wank joke . . . vaguely funny. Two wank jokes . . . a bit much. An entire programme built on wank jokes? Get off the stage. Not puppets . . . muppets.

Richard Corrigan

Rude, arrogant and by the looks of things spends too much time with his face in the pies, and less time cooking them.