"Where's my Viagra?"

The most surprising thing that happened to me was . . .

Waking up alive on Bank Holiday Monday 1998. I fell off a quad bike and my skull filled with loose blood, mashing my brain. I was dead for five days.

I am not a politician but . . .

If I was, I would bring down Western civilisation in all its entirety, apart from licensing hours.

I'm good at . . .

Being an astonishingly well-hung, pan-global, light entertainer phenomenon.

The ideal night out is . . .

I'm not allowed out.

In moments of weakness, I . . .

I don't have moments of weakness. I'm Rik Mayall.

You know me as a comedian but in truer life I'd have been a . . .

Breast enthusiast. I failed all my A levels so I might have been a hangman but the bastards took away capital punishment.

In a nutshell, my philosophy is this . . .

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, bloody anything ever. Me and Ade [Edmondson] wrote that when we were tiny.