Christmas is about sentimentality and sentimentality is about familiarity; taking comfort in all manner of ludicrous custom because it is known. Nothing should ever be allowed to threaten the amoebic glow of the hungover soul.

Ignore the soapy complexion and odd lesions that appear on your epidermis and don't shave (either sex, please). Simply rotate the wearing of your new jumpers and you'll feel brand new.

It's important to follow this process because our festive season is under attack at every turn. We have too many TV channels to choose from and the food we buy in the supermarket has become too fancy. We long for rabbits ears on the black-andwhite, the inescapable hilarity of the Queen's speech and the one-bar heater in the living room.

Simpler times. Some of us even miss the tin of USA biscuits with the pink fondant wafers that somehow always went stale on the way back from the factory.

Even the advertising industry is letting us down.

Whatever happened to the 'Penneys, got a whole lot of things for Christmas' jingle or the ads for Roses?

And where's Top Of The Pops gone?

The only thing we can rely on, The Great Immutable Known in all of this, is the weather. As thousands of stranded travellers get a taste of homelessness in Heathrow's departure lounge waiting for the fog to lift, if it ever does, their addled minds will surely welcome their newfound powerlessness over the elements and realise they aren't, and never have been, in charge after all.

Airport authorities might even consider playing the John Candy/Steve Martin classic Planes, Trains and Automobiles on repeat just for effect. But even the weather has lost the power to set the news agenda;

the Good Old Days of the brain drain have long since passed. Our immaculate, Sky Sports/WiFienabled pubs are no longer thronged with doe-eyed returned emigrants, crying into their pints about how much they miss home before struggling to justify the reasons they had to leave in the first place. The lights are on and everyone's home.

The rug has been pulled from under us alright, and the only way to cope is to order up another drink. Remember, stopping is the worst thing you could do right now.