Valerie Shanley censors the guest list

THINK yourself lucky if the only awkward guests at your Christmas dinner table tomorrow are the usual family suspects. Bored teenager texting under the tablecloth;

iPod daughter with headphones stuck in her ears throughout; inthe-doghouse dad who swanned in at midnight - minus that important gizmo from Smyths - with dead bird under one arm, baldy tree under the other, tunelessly bellowing A Fairytale of New York.

Giddy aunt who the rest of the year doesn't let anything more incendiary than Benylin past her lips. Terminally tactless, insulting old grand-uncle who targets unattached female guests with merry jibes as to why they haven't yet a) found a man, or b) started pushing a pram.

But things could be an awful lot worse. Because someone, somewhere, has to share the Christmas table with the badly-behaved, boorish, bad-mannered, tactless types who hit the headlines last year. From pontiff to pop-princess, Bob's Peaches to Paddy the Plasterer, the air regularly turned so blue that attempting to repeat some it has jammed the *@! * keys on this keyboard. . .

GGrace before meals Yes, it's Christmas, and this is a family newspaper, but it has to be said that anyone of even a mild religious sensitivity was sure to have been insulted last year. Yes, Mel, that's you - and please step away from that drinks cabinet.

Oz's most famous actor, director and conservative Catholic gave arresting officers what-for earlier this year when he was charged with drunk-driving. They must have been surprised, given that Gibson's most successful film as director was The Passion of the Christ - with an eponymous Jewish hero:

"F*****g Jews. . . The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world? Are you a Jew? What are you lookin' at, sugar tits?"

In turn, Judaism's most famous convert, the Kabbala-infatuated Madonna, lashed out against the Catholic hierarchy's objection to her latest tour in which the material girl descends onto the stage strapped to a massive crucifix.

"The Vatican uses me to draw attention to itself, " she complained, untroubled by a sense of irony. "Trying to ban my show in Rome allowed the clergy to finally - thanks to me - get good media coverage." (Surely the other way round? ) Rome did very nicely attracting attention to itself last year without Madonna's pop posturing. When the pontiff put his sandal in it during a lecture to academics in Germany, he didn't realise that some were listening more intently than others. Quoting a 14th-century Byzantine emperor, who had described Islam as a violent religion with a Prophet who urged the "spread of Islam by the sword", Pope Benedict momentarily forgot about that little Christian adventure known as The Crusades, while managing to insult Muslims worldwide. A personal apology was demanded, partly given, and a damage-limitation exercise was embarked on with last month's Papal state visit to Turkey.

Elsewhere, politicians weighed in to the Islamophobia. Jack Straw, on suggesting Muslim women remove their veils as they make "community relations more difficult" and are "a visible statement of separation and difference", was echoed by Salman Rushdie, who stepped forward to add: "I think the veil is a way of taking power from women."

Back in Leinster House nothing was veiled - particularly the insults.

Chestnut stuffing As early as January, there was some government work being done - at least according to Mary O'Rourke. The senator proudly told the nation that her campaign team were "working like blacks".

In September, the Taoiseach gave an impression of one of literature's most beloved rogues, the Artful Dodger, everytime someone shouted "£50,000!"

Earlier in the summer, Socialist TD Joe Higgins and Bertie Ahern already had a lively exchange of views. During a debate on housing, and the relationship between developers and Fianna F�?il, not even the memory of the lately departed Charles Haughey was safe.

"They bought the party's former leader - who the Taoiseach eulogised constantly last Friday. The VIP pen in Donnycarney church was like a major house-builders' convention, " scorned the scathing socialist.

The Taoiseach tetchily retorted that Higgins was "a nitwit" and "a failed person" before storming:

"Now go away!"

Which Higgins duly did - only to come back in September, suggesting the wording for the "letter" from Bertie which should accompany a bank draft to repay the loan to those very generous businessmen.

"Ah Jaysus lads, you'll have me in huge trouble if you don't take back the £50,000. My circumstances are improved and I'll have 50 reporters traipsing after me for the rest of my life if this comes out.

Bertie.

Ps Tell Paddy the Plasterer to steer clear of Callelly's house - he's in enough trouble with the painter already."

Elsewhere, we could always depend on the world's most famous leader to provide regular howlers. President George Bush responded to the 'will they, won't they' pull-out of Iraq question in signature style in November.

"The only way we can win is to leave before the job is done, " referencing his war with "an extremist group of folks".

In October, on the election trail, he wanted us to feel sorry for him.

"Y'know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said 'I want to be a war president'. No president wants to be a war president. But I am one."

In September, it had sounded like a light bulb had gone on somewhere in the White House:

"Y'know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror."

Journalist Bob Woodward overheard Bush indicating to fellow Republicans that "I will not withdraw - even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me".

But it was at the G8 Summit in July, while chomping on a dinner roll, unaware that the microphone was still switched on, that Bush let the world - and a hapless Tony Blair - in on his unique take on the Middle East.

"See, the irony is that what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this s**t, and it's over."

The equally alarming Russian leader, President Vladimir Putin, gave an insight into his admiration for Middle Eastern politicians when overheard praising Israeli president Moshe Katsau, who was accused of 10 counts of rape:

"What a mighty man he turns out to be. He surprised us all - we all envy him."

Just desserts Hosts wishing for a celebrity - even a bargain-basement one - to join them at the Christmas dinner table should beware. Remember January's Celebrity Big Brother with the unedifying sight of septic-lipped Pete Burns in that 'gorilla fur' coat, or George Galloway in an eye-poppingly awful tight red leotard.

On entering the house, Galloway declared that he relished "the chance to make new and unexpected friends". None of whom had reckoned on having to look at the pious MP for Bethnal Green creepily pretending to be a cat crouching by Rula Lenska's thighs and lapping milk from her cupped hands. The winner was the famous-for-not-being-famous Chantelle Houghton, who broke her nice girl silence to give her blunt verdict on Galloway:

"He's a cheating, cunning, vile little man, " echoing sentiments outside the house from actor Helen Mirren, who also declared him as: "a very disturbing man."

Burns delighted in winding up the assembled house-guests by insisting on the necessity of wearing animal pelts for warmth.

All of this rowing culminated in Jodie ("Is an egg a vegetable?") Marsh uttering her verdict on those unfashionable Nanook of the North types:

"Eskimos are uncivilised because they don't have any shops."

The biggest, and most unfathomable, media obsession of the year was with the man known as Kate Moss's boyfriend. Brushes with law were an occupational hazard for the singer, with his lawyer at one stage stating that:

"The police kept him in custody because he is Pete Doherty." (No, it's because he was taking too many drugs. ) Even the genuine bad boys were finding Doherty's 'rebel' credentials hard to swallow.

"Posh boys can't take drugs, man, " swaggered Liam Gallagher, commenting on Doherty and Keane's Tom Chaplin. "They're lightweight."

Mature guys showed the whippersnappers up. Releasing his first new album in five years, Bob Dylan said: "You think I'm over the hill, you think I'm past my prime? Let me see what you got."

George Clooney graciously accepted an award for being the sexiest man alive - but with a dig at a former holder of the tiara.

"This one's going to be hard for Brad (Pitt) since he's been sexiest man alive twice. I'd say 'sexiest man alive' to him, and he'd go 'two-time'. We used to call him two-time. He's going to be so upset."

Unfortunately, the boys' bad behaviour was nothing compared to the bad girls last year. The Christmas presents in actor Keith Allen's house must be well and truly paid for with the contents of the family swear box.

That's thanks to 21-year-old Lily who started it all rolling earlier in the year by deeming Bob Geldof a very vulgar four-letter word indeed on her MySpace web page.

That led to the spat - literally - at the V Festival in August with Bob's Peaches. The 17-year-old was overheard saying: "I hate that Lily 'Cokehead' Allen."

The singer responded by spitting on Peaches's trainers and thereby ensuring her chav-tastic credentials were now unquestionable. All of which must leave her poor old dad Keith rueing the small fortune wasted on sending the minx to a series of England's public schools, including Bedales, the most exclusive, most expensive of them all.

Madonna again, normally revelling in being at the heart of controversy, came in for plenty of bitching when she hit the news in October over the adoption of a little boy from Malawi.

Scary Sharon Osbourne scoffed: "It's like getting a Louis Vuitton handbag - she bought a baby for God's sake." (And we know what you would have put in that handbag too, if given half a chance, Sharon. ) Britney Spears, confused as ever, rounded the year off by letting everyone know what she wanted for Christmas (divorce) and what she doesn't want under her party frock. Appearing in unflattering shots in the press like a faulty bookcase from a cheap mail order catalogue (ie with the drawers missing) she later enthused: "Thank God for Victoria's Secrets' new underwear line" in an attempt at damage limitation.

Her excuse for the revealing revelling with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan was: "It's been two years since I've even celebrated my birthday." The thing was, Britney, after divorcing the awful Kevin Federline and being advised not to air your dirty linen in public, that's not really what they meant. . .

By invitation only. . .

PJ GIBBONS Editor, Social & Personal The first would be Bill Clinton. I imagine he has a smutty sense of humour, although rumour has it he's a bit of a money whore. I'd invite Naomi Campbell too, so if Bill decided to hit me with a bill, I could give the nod to lob a plate at him. I'd place Pete Doherty next to her, who I could probably convince to slap him around a little and tell him what a complete eejit he's making of Kate Moss.

GISELE SCANLAN The Goddess Guide I asked a similar question of some celebrities when writing the book. Heston Blumenthal said he'd ask Jesus because he'd like to know how he fed all those people. Shoe designer Christian Louboutin said Marlene Dietrich - but only to cook. Marvin Scott Jarrett, editor of Nylonmagazine, would invite Jesus and Einstein because "we could all discuss E=Mc2, and then one of them could wash-up while the other dries".

SIMON STOKES Co-owner, Bang Cafe Gordon Ramsay. I'd love to ask him about his business, his drive. I wouldn't ask him to cook - he's a guest. Worried about his swearing? I'd be doing most of it.

STEPHEN PEARCE Designer Ideally I'd invite John Lennon. I admire Dr Mohammad Younus greatly too. He's a Nobel Prize winner who came up with micro-credit banking and loaned money to the women of Bangladesh to start up a business. If more came up with such solutions, we could change the world.

NOELLE CAMPBELL SHARP Cill Rialaig Artists Retreat "I would like artists such as Martin Finnin.

Linda Graham would be high on my list too because Linda, who suffers from MS, has faced the most unbelievable challenges this year and yet brought happiness to so many art-loving people."

FREDA HAYES Managing director, Meadows and Byrne stores Iwould like Des Cahill. I'm not sporty, but I could listen to his voice all night. Also, Bill Clinton - charming, sexy, smart and with a bit of politics to spice things up.