The Podge and Rodge show, currently in its second series, shows the, ahem, closeness of the brothers, and features them talking to, and insulting, a host of D to Z-list celebrities.

The brothers will be hosting their live show, Podge and Rodge - Desperate for Housewives in Vicar Street from 12-29 April (tel: 0818 719 300) and their Bogmanay New Year's Eve show will be on RTE Two at 11.05pm on 31 December.

Podge on Rodge Rodge has been a dead weight around my neck for as long as I can remember. Even in the womb he was always annoying me or fiddling with himself. I was born before him - I tied him to a rib with the umbilical cord on me way out, hoping they wouldn't know he was there, but the little weasel still managed to get out.

He held me back for most of my early life. I was a bit of an entrepreneur, and set up the first illegal bicycle repairs in Ballydung. Rodge ruined all that when I gave him the chance to help out and he was caught sniffing the saddles on the ladies' bikes. Then I moved into taxidermy, and Rodge let it slip to a local chap that I did a bit of human taxidermy. I lost of lot of work after that. Is it anyone's business if someone wants to keep their great-granny in good nick for future generations?

Neither of us ever married. Him, because he's a useless feckin' gobsheen; if he's not at himself, he's interfering with farm animals or kitchen appliances. I always had a touch of class and dressed well - even though we both get our clothes from dead fellas, I just have a style that he'll never have. But I never had much luck with the ladies which I put down to Rodge always hanging around.

I'm the lord of the manor and he's the gobsheen of the gate lodge. I used to get the odd bit of peace, but now that we have people dropping by our house for a chat two days a week, I get no rest! And I don't even get a chance to work my magic with the lady-guests as Rodge usually has them running for the hills with his rancid breath and his tell-tale trouser tent.

All in all, I would say Rodge has ruined me life. I mean, I'm nearly 66, and the longest I've ever had without him was when I was in custody overnight over a misunderstanding. I've tried losing him in the woods and locking him out, but he always finds his way back in. I even tried poisoning him slowly - the hospital said he was the first person they'd ever known to build up immunity to arsenic. I'll be stuck in again with him this poxy Christmas.

Little bollix.

Rodge on Podge Ah Podge is a great brother. He's always been a good man for the advice and the life lessons. When we were young he'd say things like, "you've a disproportionate head like a turnip" and, "you'll go nowhere in this life" and he was right on both counts! I don't know how he got so clever as we had the same upbringing.

We were raised by 'Granny' - who wasn't our real grandmother - in Ballydung Asylum until she went insane when we were six. We stayed on in the asylum and Podge changed the name to Ballydung Manor. I got a job down the local abattoir and Podge set up a small bicycle repair business. He always blamed me for it going under, but I think it was more that he was caught putting sticks in bicycle spokes at night so they'd be brought in to him.

Podge acts like I drive him mad, but he's quite good to me - when the government brought out those SSIAs, he was the one who told me they were a con and even set up a different savings plan for me - the PFO (Podge Financial Offer). I give him Euro5 a month and he puts Euro1 away for me. He said after a few years, there'll be enough for a decent holiday for one!

I love having our own show - it's great having people call in for a chat, especially if it's ladies like Rosanna Davison and Caroline Morahan. Jaysus, I haven't been so close to such lovely ladies for a long time - mainly because there were so many restraining orders taken out on me. And most of all, it's great to be working with my brother. Of course we don't always see eye to eye, but sure that's family for ya!

What would make it complete now is if we met a couple of nice ladies to spend our twilight years with. We're even doing shows in Vicar Street to try and find a couple of wives!

But Podge says I have no hope of meeting anyone who doesn't need a pump.

Which wouldn't bother me much anyway - sure a woman with all the bits but none of the nagging sounds perfect!