I WILL NOT EXPECT. . .

1Anything that is made by Sky One to be informative and non-exploitative.

2New Zealand to lose.

3Setanta's commentary on their repeated GAA games to get me in the least bit excited. Not so much the commentator's fault, but the sound mix just isn't right.

4More than one or two decent documentaries on sport. It's difficult to remember the last piece of riveting television on a sporting theme that wasn't live. BBC, normally the standard bearers, appear to have abandoned the notion of sports documentary altogether. The Panorama debacle can only have set them back further.

5Ger Canning to accurately tell me who scored a goal.

6Cogent and informed gender debate from Eddie Irvine.

7Mayo to win.

8Gary Lineker to make me laugh.

9Pat Spillane to ask a reasonable question about hurling.

10Ronan Rafferty to say anything remotely interesting. Actually make that anybody on Sky Sports' golf coverage.

I WILL COUNT TO 10 AND RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO THROW THINGS WHEN. . .

1Mark Lawrenson appears on screen.

2Somebody makes the utterly fatuous claim that one billion people or so are watching some opening ceremony or other. They are not. John O'Donoghue managed to spout this nonsense on Questions and Answers in Ryder Cup week without being tackled. I've been unable to take John Bowman seriously since.

3British broadcasters pronounce Ken Doherty as 'Ken Dockerty'. Why do they do this? There is no 'c', nor 'k'. Do they imagine that they're being culturally sensitive? Has Tommy Docherty left such a lasting legacy?

4Alan Shearer appears on screen.

5I hear the voices of RTE commentator Stephen Alkin or Setanta co-commentator Brian Little. I have woken in cold sweats after dreaming of the two of them working on the same match.

6Jamie Redknapp appears on screen.

7Some tool from Hollyoaks describes how important some goal in some game was to him. Nobody cares. Show us the goal more.

8Ryle Nugent becomes a fan rather than the decent commentator he is.

9Paul Collins tries to be droll.

10Somebody puts ITV on.

I WILL SMILE AND KNOW THAT ALL IS WELL WITH THE WORLD WHEN. . .

1Eamon Dunphy continues with his hugely entertaining and entirely reckless attitude to broadcasting libel law.

2Those superb GAA promos appear during the first week of the championship.

3Adrian Chiles appears on screen.

4I hear the voice of Micheal O Muircheartaigh.

5George Hamilton decides to abandon all commentating etiquette so excited is he by the action unfolding in front of him. Please let him have all of New Zealand's World Cup matches.

6Sky Sports' Jeff Stelling manages a four-minute monologue of a Saturday afternoon incorporating about 50 statistics. A man who makes men watching football worth watching.

7Ted Walsh offers his frank and entertaining opinion before and after a fine race.

8RTE's soccer panel provide more entertainment than their so-called lampooners can manage.

9Newstalk's Off the Ball is on. Oh to have three hours to while away every evening. Must listen more.

10Ger Loughnane's demonic glint appears in a post-match interview.

Finally, On the Air's prediction for television sporting moment of the year.

I predict that the finest hour will come. . .

last Monday. Barely 22 hours into this year, in a little tavern in Essex, we had probably the finest battle we'll see for this and many years to come.

The PDC World Championship of darts reached its climax with 13-time champion Phil Taylor facing the challenge of recent defector from BBC, Raymond van Barneveld. It was hyped as the greatest match of all time in advance and godammit if it didn't go and be exactly that.

From 3-0 down Van Barneveld stormed back to take the title, but not before enduring a sudden-death leg where the winner took all, and which featured a 180 from each player. If there's better than that out there this year, bring it on.