STRICTLY LADY SUMO Channel 4, Tuesday
ONE look at the TV listing was enough to cause a sharp intake of breath. Strictly Lady Sumo smacked of a show determined to haul some of society's unfortunates in front of a camera and snigger while poking them with pointy emotional sticks, all under the pretence that 'we really feel these people are getting the help they need.' Remarkably, happily, and possibly for the first time ever, On the Air was wrong.
Steve Pateman, a former world sumo bronze medallist from Derby, decided to put an ad in the paper looking for large ladies who might be interested in becoming part of the British women's sumo wrestling team in time for the world championships in Osaka. "Used to being seen as fat and unfeminine, " said Dawn French's voiceover, "now they have a chance to be big in Japan".
Britain did have some female sumo wrestlers before this. Well, one - 'Big' Jackie Bates, a 51-year-old grandmother and 20-stone fitness instructor. Not looking far past 40, Jackie had been out on her own in her chosen sport for the past five or six years, and was gracious in accepting the search for new young talent.
On the first day of training, a potential star quickly emerged, in the teak-tough shape of 37-year-old Adele Jones, prop forward for a local rugby team. Slightly built for sumo at 15 stone, she still displayed a steely strength and determination that was worth more than a few extra pounds. Getting ready for a date, she told us that, although excited about the possibilities of her new sport, it wasn't going to be the first thing she would mention over a candlelit dinner, "I'm not going to tell someone I'm doing sumo, God no. I won't even tell them I play rugby."
The most obvious recruit was Sharran Alexander, who weighed in at an enormous 27 stone. The problem was that the most exercise she'd ever had was from going to bingo.
This was exacerbated by an utter lack of aggression, a problem coach Pateman found with plenty of his hopefuls. It seemed the 'jolly' stereotype was damaging his hopes of crushing any prospective opposition. So Pateman did what he had to do. He goaded them, grabbed them, called them names, aggravated them until they were weeping with rage. His bullying tactics didn't work with some, but after reducing Adele to tears first time round, he was left outside the ring on his ample arse next time out. "Not bad, " he just about managed to wheeze.
The 25 that initially signed up were quickly reduced to 11, one of whom was the promising Rebecca 'Pink' Williams.
On the same rugby team as Adele, the 25-year-old liked the sound of what her teammate was up to. The voiceover informed us Pink worked in a meat processing plant, and her mother had been a truck driver. Anyone anticipating dungarees and a crew cut would have been disappointed as she was shown applying make-up and, em, playing with her hamsters.
It was indicative of a programme that managed to portray its participants as nothing more and nothing less than sportspeople, who just happened to be women.
In the heats, Big Jackie was beaten by Pink (who had taken up the sport three weeks earlier) in an epic changing of the guard. Pink then won the entire contest, after Adele stepped out of the ring by accident in their final bout. The top six were chosen and moved on, with at least one of those left behind grateful for the experience: "I was just eating biscuits on the couch six weeks ago."
The top six were then whittled down to four, with Big Jackie failing to make the cut.
However, she was brought to Japan as reserve and "for moral support", which seemed to solely consist of her screaming "BRITAIN! ! !"
at every given opportunity.
Pink powered her way to the semi-final, and looked odds-on against a slightlybuilt Brazilian. But a stray foot outside the ring cost her a shot at the gold medal.
"That was stupidity!" yelled Pateman. Utterly shaken, she lost the bronze medal match.
Sharran did likewise, losing out on a bronze medal, again because of a stray foot.
It was left to Adele, facing a Dutch woman with an enormous physique and experience in the semi-final. After a long and intense battle, most of which she spent with one heel at the edge of the ring with 20-odd stone of Dutchwoman pushing at her, she won. In the final, against the world champion from Russia, she was quickly and unceremoniously dumped out of the ring. Still, a silver medal was better than Pateman's pre-tournament hope for a single bronze.
Considering the subject matter, this was a surprisingly lean production, avoiding the temptation to drag the training and travails of the participants out to two or three weeks. There were no cliffhangers, no delayed announcements, no exploiting of pained faces for the benefit of a sadistic public.
There was simply an excellent story, interspersed with some genuinely gripping sport and true emotion.
It took three months for Adele Jones to go from knowing precisely nothing about sumo to becoming number two in the world. "The battle for 2007 has already begun, " was the last line of French's voiceover. After this fine hour of inspiration, the coach probably won't have to put an ad in the paper this year.
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