In fact, when I showed up in Tralee that morning I was more than a little unsteady on my feet and was starting to see triple.

A large crowd had gathered and when I asked a young girl what they were there for, she grew abusive and accused me of molesting her.

The situation was turning violent so I turned on my heels and before I knew it I was standing in front of a man who shook my hand and thanked me for coming to see him. I hadn't a clue who he was but later that evening in the pub, I picked up the local paper only to see the two of us standing together, and a headline announcing that my new friend was none other than Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon.

"Can you believe it?" I asked the barman, who had once been a friend of mine but who had fallen out with me over a nag. "I'm a celebrity."

"You're an oul' bollix, " he suggested. "You always were and you always will be, you c**t."

I didn't know how I could be both at once and told him so and he hit me a slap.

The next morning I woke up in a hospital bed and a nurse, one of them foreign bits, told me I'd overdosed on my medication and collapsed.

She said she needed the name of my next of kin.

"I'm an unmarried man, " I explained. "There was a woman, once, but she left me because of my ways."

"Family then?" asked the nurse.

"No one. Not anymore."

"Well, we need a name, " she said with a shrug.

"I don't know what to tell you, " I said.

"Sir, I'm sorry, but we have to put someone down on the form. In case you die."

That gave me a fright but still, nothing came to mind. I looked away from her and saw the local paper folded up on a chair.

"Neil Armstrong, " I told her then. "We're not close, but -" "He'll do, " she said, signing the form. All she wanted was to get away from me on account of my stink. I could smell it myself. I was rank.

"And I have photographic evidence of our relationship, should it be required."

"It won't be, " she said. And for a moment or two, I felt happy. On account of my having a friend. Someone who would look out for me.

Someone who would see that I was taken care of.

In case I died.