.WITH this film, director Marc Lawrence should make the cover of scientific publications the world over. He has stumbled upon a medical breakthrough - a product that can induce a state of total unconsciousness without the need of general anaesthetic. And he lets Hugh Grant do all the work.

Music and Lyrics is a romcom about a 1980s has-been pop star who is stuck in a timewarp playing the nostalgia market. The irony, of course, is that Hugh Grant is a 1990s has-been actor who has been mining his own nostalgia market to ever diminishing returns. Drew Barrymore is the object of Grant's affections - he's a cheesy songwriter with a penchant for even cheesier shirts. She comes in to water his plants and he discovers she pens great lyrics.

"You are Cole Porter in panties, " he tells her. So they write a hit together and fall under the piano.

At the very least, a romantic comedy deserves fireworks between its players and usually something for them to fight for.

But Grant and Drew are grey and insipid. The music and lyrics, meanwhile, sound like they were written by a one-armed monkey which had been shot in both ears.

Charlotte's Web (Gary Winick):

Dakota Fanning, Kevin Anderson, Gary Basaraba Running time: 97 minutes.

. . .

THIS cutesy children's tale has the potential to do for bacon what BSE did for T-bone steaks. Based on EB White's classic children's book, it's the story of Wilbur, a runt pig with a personality of gold. He is rescued by farmer's daughter Fern (the spirited child actress Dakota Fanning) but his stay of execution is shortlived - he soon discovers that a pig's fate is on a plate. So Charlotte (voiced by Julia Roberts), a clever barnyard spider, decides to save his bacon by spinning webby slogans such as 'Terrific Pig' to draw attention to his winning personality. It's an endearing, sugary family film that's part live action, part animation - the bawdy barnyard animals are voiced by Steve Buscemi, Robert Redford, John Cleese, Oprah Winfrey and Kathy Bates and look pretty real to me.

Sleeping Dogs Lie (Bob Goldthwait):

Melinda Page Hamilton, Bryce Johnson, Colby French Running time: 89 minutes.

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HOW'S this for an opening line to a film: "My name is Amy. And yes, at college, I blew my dog."

If you are going to make a lowbudget indie film, it's helpful to shout a little louder. But this droll comedy, by US comic turned director Bob Goldthwait, takes the dog's biscuit. Imagine it as a cross-eyed mongrel from the genes of the Farrelly Brothers and Kevin Smith.

Amy (Melinda Page Hamilton), a teacher in her twenties, decides in the spirit of honesty to come clean about her sexual history with her fiancé. But the revelation does more damage than good (as you would expect), and she eventually realises how the moral of the title works.

Goldthwait directs like a giddy puppy, zooming in on the pooping and fornicating of various dogs.

But the film eventually works its way out of the doghouse to make an honest statement about true love and the value of the white lie.