THE first rule of cruising is to suspend reality. Once you get on board the SS Whatever, life takes on a new dimension as regards what is 'normal'. Here's a world that centres around pleasure and pampering.

A place where every whim is catered for and then delivered with the words, 'Have a nice day.' It's a world of utter indulgence, of chocolates on pillows, of fruit carving classes and shuffle board.

It's also a holiday where the destinations come to you, which is blissfully convenient. You simply wake up most mornings, rub your eyes and there's a new view to absorb and a new part of the world to explore. Fantastic.

I went on my first cruise in 1983, having swotted up on multiple episodes of The Love Boat (the reality lived up to expectation). In the intervening years, things haven't changed much. Sure, these days there's WiFi access, the quality of stealable ashtrays has gone down and the captain's welcome cocktail party is now (thankfully) the captain's toast.

But, basically, little else has changed.

My return to cruising came last autumn when I stepped aboard the Celebrity line's Century ship and embarked on an 11-day tour of the southern Mediterranean and Balearic Islands.

It was a particularly appealing itinerary that included Marseilles and Villefranche in France (with access to Monaco), Florence and Rome in Italy, Mallorca and Ibiza and finally Valencia in Spain, with two days at sea also thrown into the mix. The trip started and ended in Barcelona. It was a great mix of sun, beach, city, culture, shopping and that allimportant dolce vita.

Celebrity is one of the more upmarket cruise companies in operation. Part of the Royal Caribbean Group, the Celebrity ships are their most luxurious with a focus on five-star service and great ports.

There are three standards of ship within their fleet and the Century, Galaxy and Mercury form the top 'Century' class.

The ships are large, extremely comfortable, cleverly designed (curved bed corners to take up less space . . . genius! ) and boast impressive collections of 20thcentury art.

The Century received a $55m facelift in 2006, with tremendous results. The upgrade on accommodation is particularly impressive: 375 cabins now come with private balconies, plasma screens are de rigueur our and room-service options are extensive (and 24-hour . . . as if you'll need more food). As well as that, top-rung cabins can now avail of 'Concierge Class', offering priority embarking/disembarking, queue-hopping privileges, additional goodies, gifts and treats and a personal butler service in all suites.

Shipboard life is easy to get the hang of.

In most cases, you are sent a 'bible' before departure so you know what to expect, what to pack, what costs extra and what shore excursion options are available. Like a Club Med holiday, you can integrate and get involved as much or as little as you want, taking your lead from the daily newsletter delivered to your cabin with turndown each evening.

Eating is a big thing on board, as is the nightly entertainment . . . I embraced the chance to wave my table napkin to the flaming baked Alaska procession before zoning out in a carb coma to an all-singing, all-dancing broadway show with relish.

Remember, we're suspending reality here.

The Century's main dining room is a grand, two-tiered space at the stern of the ship with massive windows offering the most stunning views as we pulled out of port. If the thought of formal dining and multiple courses is too much, there are various casual options: pasta and pizza buffets, a sushi bar, poolside barbeque, salad bar, myriad pastries, cheeses, ice-cream selections and more. Celebrity chef Michel Roux is the consultant for all restaurants on Celebrity ships. The average weight-gain per cruising passenger is a pound a day. Do the maths.

Highlights on the Century included the all-white '2001: A Space Odyssey' Martini bar, complete with ice counter and barmen to whip up the best cocktails this side of The Love Boat's Isaac; the beauty of anchoring off Villfranche, possibly the most picturesque town on the French Riviera; the SeaSpa with floor-to-ceiling windows and Elemis treatments; and the state-of-the-art gym, with more vast windows and plenty of exercise-distracting TVs. You're going to need the gym if you opt to eat in Murano, Michel Roux's 36-seat fine-dining restaurant that, while costing a supplementary $30 per person, offers a heavenly gastronomic experience (and the most enchanting Serbian cheese waiter in the world).

Finally, The Cova cafe, situated on the upper atrium, offered perfect digestifs, espressos (at extra cost), divine pastries and the best viewing point (free) to see everyone returning from shore and later, all glammed up, heading into the restaurant each evening.

While . . . and possibly because . . . most of the holiday-makers on this cruise were far from spring chickens, everything was made easy and enjoyable by the team. Seamless and efficient, with a personal touch, this is the sort of holiday for those who don't want headaches, where the only decision is to opt in or out.

For information on Celebrity Cruises, part of the Royal Caribbean Group, call 1800 555605 or log onto www. e-travel. ie Melanie Morris is editor of Imagemagazine

CRUISE CONTROL: THE SCIENCE BIT

Before booking a cruise, consider the following:

PASSENGER/CREW RATIO

This is very much the acid test of the sort of treatment you will receive at sea.

Anything from 1.5 to 2.5 passengers per crew member is good. Also consider the maximum passenger number. Big ships mean big numbers, which can mean long delays in boarding, embarking/ disembarking and queues at busy times.

CABIN CLASS

Researching the square footage of each cabin class really pays off . . . space at sea is the ultimate luxury and at a serious premium. You probably won't spend huge amounts of time in your cabin but on longer cruises, or if you're not used to tight confines, it's worth booking the best you can afford. Are beds proper beds or converted from sofas? Is there a balcony?

What are the bathroom facilities (baths are rare, usually it's shower only) and what amenities are included (type of hairdryer, robes, lotions and potions, etc . . . all vary hugely between ships and even between cabin classes).

ITINERARY AND DAYS AT SEA

This will define your holiday. Caribbean cruises involve plenty of island hopping and laidback beachlife. The Far East calls for serious culture, tours and hoof work. The Panama Canal and trips with multiple 'at sea' days usually suggests an older, more sedentary sort of passenger. While cruise companies are trying to attract younger passengers, and families, the average age onboard my cruise was 68 . . . an improvement on the previous cruise (82).

But realistically, if you want young, go Disney.

DINING ARRANGEMENTS

Almost all cruise ships now have two dinner seatings in the main dining room . . .

early (around 6pm) and late (8.30pm).

Ensure you request your preference at the earliest opportunity when booking.

Likewise, if you'd rather not share your table (although, the pot-luck nature of this can be entertaining . . . we sat beside a gent from Idaho who served in the army with Elvis), state your wishes early. A little visit to the Maitre d' when you arrive on board, armed with a few dollars, might also help!

APPOINTMENTS AND RESERVATIONS

While you may be a happy-go-lucky type, your seasoned fellow cruisers usually plan with military precision. Book any spa/hair treatments, tour excursions and specialist restaurant reservations either ahead of boarding (if possible) or the minute you get on the ship. Spa is always most popular for 'at sea' days; specialty restaurants and hair reservations fill up quickly on formal nights.

PACK FOR EVERY OCCASION, AND IN VARYING SIZES TOO. . .

They say sea air shinks clothes; I say the midnight buffet might also have something to do with it. Days are casual, excursions require layers and comfort, while nights can get very, very dressy. Definitions of 'formal' vary hugely but plenty of bling never goes ashtray. You will be notified of the number of formal nights on board prior to departure.

COMMUNICATION WITH LAND

Most ships now have a business centre, WiFi (expensive), direct dial in cabins and a satellite mast on board (so mobiles should work at sea).

THE EURO IS KING

Tipping is required every step of the way, whether that be the 'voluntary' gratuity you are expected to add when signing for most things on board or the end-of-cruise envelopes that are de rigueur to fill for multiple cabin and dining room staff. Guidelines are offered for the latter, just remember to budget for it. The comment card is the other ruler supreme . . .

this can make or break a crew member's career and so they'll all canvas like seasoned politicians.

MOST IMPORTANTLY. . .

Before you book anything, consult the 'Berlitz Complete Guide to Cruising & Cruise Ships', the bible that will tell you everything you should know about every floating oasis.