Two years on he has stopped chewing our furniture and started sexually harassing it. I can, once again, enter my kitchen first thing without being faced with anything too unpleasant, although I am not quite ready to brave it barefoot as that will be the one morning I am likely to get pee between my toes. I am not a "dog lover" - that is one of those people who adores dogs; who professes to prefer dogs to people. "Dogs don't judge you and they love you unconditionally, " I am told. I find that attitude slightly revolting.

Children don't judge you and they love you unconditionally and whenever I hear people bleating on about cruelty to animals I can never separate it from the fact that people are also cruel to children. My own belief is that when every child in the world is properly cared for, then we can start worrying about neglected pets. Which, tragically, seems to be a very, very long time away.

"Loving" animals seems to me a cop-out kind of love. If you've got any love to spare, try out the old adage "love thy neighbour". It's a much tougher call, but ultimately surely more noble. As distinct from a dog lover, I am a mere dog owner. It requires a level of responsibility that I struggle with, frankly.

I don't know that he's 'worth it' in the traditional way.

Sid loves me but I don't value his love in the same way as I do say, that of my husband, son and family.

Dog lovers make me feel guilty and say "you love him really." As in - if you don't love your dog you are a bad person. I feed him proper dinners - not horrible doggy food, I don't mistreat or abuse him.

Occasionally, if I am wearing something I hate, I give him a cuddle. I say nice things about him to the terrified children who cower at our patio door watching him salivate to get in and have a chew at their trousers. I even allow him to sit in my office while I am working so he doesn't get lonely in the kitchen (or chew my Cath Kidston oilcloth! ). I am not immune to his cuteness, and occasionally indulge myself by referring to him by his full name - Sidney Bucket - which annoys my husband immensely, but that's just a happy by-product.

However, this trend towards dressing dogs up in outfits and spraying them with cologne and feeding them minced fillet is beyond weird in Ireland where we always treated our dogs like animals which, newsflash, is what they are. I remember my grandmother coming to stay with us in London when we had a dog and being astonished that you could actually buy special food for them - in tins!

She thought she had never heard of anything more ridiculous. What would she have made of "dog apparel" I wonder - or Fido in the latest go-faster lycra running suit? Is the availability of these things a sign that our society is becoming more civilised?

Er . . . no.