1. Red AMEX card.

Doing the bit for charity by sending just one percent off all useless buys to Aids victims. Which is probably why the venture is flopping

2. Miniature dog (Note to self: make air holes - one suffocated recently. )

3. Diamond-encrusted mobile phone To throw at the nearest hapless assistant. Also a Blackberry and a Sidekick.

4. Prescription meds Oxytocin, xanax, vicodin, valium and some strawberry cocaine (and a handy yet discreet snorting bullet) - rehab is for quitters.

5. Hair-clippers For handy head-shaving.

6. TrimSpa shake Even though mascot Anna Nicole Smith had Slimfast in her fridge.

7. Pre-nup contract Coleen McLaughlin may think they're "unromantic" as she prepares for her wedding to Wayne Rooney, but then the Chav Queen is more of a B Fendi Balenciaga girl.

8. Safety pins In case Liz's dresses fall apart after the wedding.

9. Luas ticket Thanks to several drug- and drink-driving busts.

Paris and Nicole (and Joe O'Shea) say it's all the (road) rage.

10. Hipflask Containing Patron tequila, which launched this week in Dublin - a snip at Euro35 a shot. Now where's the bamboo salt and Mauritian lemon segments?

11. Copy of 'Monocle' magazine 12. AAA pass to Electric Picnic Along with the key to your fully furnished boutique Tipi to let everyone know you've shelled out Euro650.

13. Revive Intense Volumising Serum Just Euro450 an ounce.

14. Nothing. Well, a girl needs to have somewhere to put her knickers now, doesn't she?

15. A copy of the eBay guide by Fashionphile on How To Spot Fake LV Louis Vuitton Complete with handy hints on d-rings, date codes, colours (LV has never done Vernis in black! ), handles, linings (a Speedy of any age should have brown cotton canvas lining). Tans and sexual bliss maybe, but a bag - you just can't fake it.