I know how he feels. Often we are told by crazy event coordinators that we absolutely must be there at five o'clock on pain of death. We arrive to find the stage hasn't been built, the people won't be arriving until nine and we won't be playing until midnight. If you ever wonder why bands looks morose and knackered it's because of this waiting around (except Coldplay - they look like that all the time).

Then there's the other waiting, the waiting to get paid.

In the old days, you would head with two bouncers to a shady room to be given the cheque directly after the show. The conversation went like this:

Club owner: "What did we agree again?"

Me: "You know what we agreed. It was X."

Club owner: "Was it really that much? Jaysus I don't remember agreein' to dat!

Me: "Well, that's what it was."

Silence. Bouncers look fidgety. Club owner bursts into laughter: "Ah Jaysus, I was only havin' you on. Here's your cheque. Ha Ha Ha!" (gamely punching me in the ribs while handing over cheque resentfully).

OK, it wasn't that bad (well, it was), but the whole idea was that you had done your job so it was time to get paid, kind of, like, in the 20th century. Not any more. If you are a 21st century small businessman trying to get your moolah out of mega-corporations, here are the things you need to know.

The hagglefest: It doesn't matter if it's Bill Gates, the client will always try to haggle - it's one of those rags-to-riches 'haggling made me what I am today' things. Just remind the stinge-arse that costs are exceptionally high, life is short and he's way richer than you.

Then pick a price and stick to it. This is nothing to do with getting paid faster but at least you will know what you are looking for.

The invoice: Do this straight away and send it in - these magical items are big business's arch-delaying tactic.

Girl on phone: "We haven't received/did you send? /we can't find the invoice."

It costs a bit, but printing your invoice on an A1 sheet and getting a male stripper to deliver it in an A1 envelope ensures it doesn't go missing.

The purchase order number:

This is the new kid on the block. "Since we have so many invoices coming in there must be a purchase order number allocated to you. However, we will not send this to you. It is a secret held by our accountancy department and you must use your telepathic powers to figure it out. That will give us more time to not pay you."

The sabbatical, or 'Everyone's been "red': Ever since the Mike Baldwin school of HR became the norm, staff seem to change more regularly than the average Sonderkommando unit. (I was recently told of a company in Galway bringing the entire staff out to the yard and then firing those whose names were not read out, like in You're A Star, or Auschwitz).

So you phone looking for your cheque and the person you were dealing with is gone.

"Can I speak to Martina please?"

"Martina isn't with us any more. . . sniff." (Sobs, sound of receptionist being dragged away and a muffled gunshot. ) A man's voice comes on the phone.

"Can I help you sir?"

"Yes, I sent in an invoice for the gig we did six months ago but I have heard anything yet.

I know Martina is gone but I was also dealing with Emma."

"Emma's on an 18-month sabbatical. She's pregnant."

"Wow, 18 months. Is she having twins?"

"Very funny sir. Just send in another invoice and we'll see what we can do - and remember, there will have to be a new purchase order number as it is a new accounting year."

"And how will I find out the purchase order number?"

"Just call accounts. Oh no, wait a minute. . . Sorry sir, the accounts team were all shot this morning."

The cheque run.You have my invoice? The purchase order number is correct? Excellent!

When do I get paid? "At the next cheque run sir, which will be, let me see, 90 days from now." Thanks a lot.

The cheque, or 'Where's my VAT?': The magical day arrives.

The envelope comes in the post. You tear it open. Yes!

Then you read who it's made out to. Petrof Caliban. Peter Sullivan. The Cambert Band.

And they didn't include VAT.

Even though the correct name is on the invoice and the VAT is included.

"Oh it came down from above. We thought it was VATinclusive."

Yes. I settled on those nice round numbers just so I can give myself more pain figuring out the VAT. Anyway, who is this above? Maybe they'll talk sense. Somebody help me.

Paddy Cullivan and the Camembert Quartet appear every Saturday on Tubridy Tonight. The Sunday Tribune