Just when you thought it was safe to go back on the dance floor, RTE resurrect this utterly bizarre concept and make their way even further down the alphabet of 'celebrity' (and by 'celebrities', we're talking about someone who writes for the Irish Times health supplement, Rosanna Davison and, well, I have no idea who the others are, I'll play it safe by saying 'someone from Fair City').

It's the kind of programme you'd dread the moment a visiting business man wakes up in a hotel near the airport, flicks on the television and sees this.

Personally, such an occasion might just force me to revoke my citizenship amongst yelps of "this has nothing to do with me". All of that said, it's still obviously worth the watch just to witness the insanity. I mean, Dancing On Ice has real soap stars, the chance for genuine injury and bitchy judges, not exactly in competition with some whoareye jigging around to a Carter Twins B-side. Really, what were they thinking?

BEST REALITY
No Experience Required Thursday, RTE Two, 9.35pm

Ah, the world of music promotion. It's all champers, limos, snorting strawberry Nesquik off body parts of Hollywood starlets and what not.

Or maybe not. This week on No Experience Required (box set, please) the guys from Choice Cuts recruit a hapless starry-eyed eager ligger to help them run new venue Tripod (nice space, sticky carpets) in the Pod complex on Harcourt street, before the killer task of setting up a new Saturday night club night in Dublin.

BEST ENTERTAINMENT
Any Dream Will Do Saturday, BBC1, 7.45pm

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria was a bit of a damp squib, but that didn't stop the BBC from recommissioning an identikit programme, this one revolving around Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, popularised by Jason Donovan. The search for 'a Joseph' will reprise Graham Norton as host.

BEST MUSIC
Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For The Next Doll Today, Channel 4, 1.50pm

What do you mean you don't want to be a tranny tweenie-perverter?

Like, hello, the PCDs are so hot right now with their surgically enhanced morals and studio wonder machine enhanced vocal chords. In this gem, the dolls (who are all secretly 60 years old, preserved only by a strong lubrication process involving the cryogenic application of botox) put their new hopeful recruits through tough stages of dancing, waving coyly and removing all thoughts.

BEST CELEBRITY
Louis Theroux . . . The Most Hated Family in America Wednesday, BBC2, 11.20pm

"God is your enemy." "God hates fags."

Louis Theroux travels to Kansas to meet the church leader that espouses these beliefs. The Phelps family makes up most of the 71 members of the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka who have become notorious in the US for protesting at the funerals of soldiers who have been killed in Iraq. Their reason for picketing is in protest at an America they believe "tolerates homosexuality". Theroux locks horns with the leader Pastor Fred Phelps.

BEST CELEBRITY
Dark Roots: The Anna Nicole Story Today, Channel 4, 9.00pm

Now that we know the reason for Anna Nicole Smith's death (accidental overdose from nine prescription drugs along with an infection from injecting them) it's a time for reflection as the custody suit for her baby daughter rages on. 'Dark Roots' returns to her home town of Mexia, Texas and to the family that she left behind in search of stardom.

BEST FILMS
Cocoon (1985) Today, RTE Two, 5.55pm

I must be mistaken about this film. Personally, I love it, but I must be alone in Tribune Towers with the opinion because everyone just groaned when I mentioned it. Oh well, each to their own (PS: I'm right).

The Passion Of The Christ (2004) Friday, RTE One, 9.30pm

Mel Gibson; you know him, that great Christian. Yes, the one who makes rather rough suggestions to police officers and then blames all the wars in the world on Jews. But he's not anti-Semitic, geddit? This is his brutal depiction of the last days of Jesus. Not for those with a weak stomach.

13 Going On 30 (2004) Wednesday, RTE One, 9.30pm

When geeky Jenna Rink suffers total humiliation at her 13th birthday party, she wishes that she could be 30 instead. Fast-forward 17 years and, as happens in the movies, her wish is granted. What could possibly go wrong? Eh. .

Backdraft (1991) Friday, TV3, 10.55pm . . . or as TV3 referred to it on their listings information . . .

'Bankdraft'.

Money on the brain, clearly.

This is the ultimate fireman film (let's face it, the only competition is Ladder 49 and the less said about that the better. ) There's good special effects for the time . . . basically loads of fire . . . and a few love stories weaved in to the plot to keep things, well, hot.

Dante's Peak (1997) Today, RTE Two, 9pm

Pierce Brosnan, a dormant volcano that changes its mind, a town under siege from lava, disaster, peril and so on. Did you know that the 'volcanic ash' in this film is actually fine newspaper shavings? Sacrilege.