I HAVE a query. Exactly when did false tan stop being false tan and become 'self tan' instead? Because that was a brilliant piece of marketing. The word 'false' has such negative connotations that when applied to tan in a bottle the images that come to mind are immediately orange and streaky-themed.

If you're self-tanned, on the other hand, you are naturally bronzed and carefree and are probably wandering around in the rain in bare feet and a tiny frilly dress. Oh wait, that's a Clarins ad . . . but do you see how effective marketing is?

Sadly, I've never managed to carry off false tan with panache. When someone says, "wow, you're looking brown", I am physically incapable of nodding airily and remaining discreetly silent. Instead, I get as far as "oh thanks", before the urge overcomes me and I add "it's false". Darn it.

On the plus side, I must confess I am rather good at applying false (ahem, self) tan.

Years of hard labour, tears and a downright unpleasant encounter with a bottle of St Tropez (I failed to read the instructions correctly and couldn't leave the house for a week I was so tangerined) have left me with no more mistakes to make. And while self tan will always be a tricky business, it's well worth the effort.

First of all, use an all-over body exfoliator to renew skin cells and leave your skin smooth and soft. Any body scrub will do, or if your skin is particularly sensitive try a facial scrub such as Simple Smoothing Cleansing Scrub ( 5.90). Follow with lashings of your favourite body moisturiser and allow a few minutes for it to sink in.

There are three main types of self tans available . . . instant (which washes off), longlasting (lasts for up to a week) and gradual (light body lotions with a hint of tan).

Rimmel Sun Shimmer is probably the best-loved instant tan that washes off in water; it has just introduced a new Bronzing Spray ( 11.50).

Johnson's Holiday Skin ( 7.50) has been a resounding success for those who are loath to go the whole hog, while new St Tropez Everyday ( 19.95) gradually tones and tans in one.

In long-lasting tans, Clarins has just introduced Intense Bronze Self Tanning Tint ( 24.50) that can be applied using simple cotton wool pads. Another favourite this year looks set to be Lancome's new Flash Bronzer Body Gel.

This non-stick gel melts into skin leaving it golden and glowing.

But without the right technique, none of these tans will look good. Firstly, I highly recommend using a pair of latex gloves when applying any kind of tan, to prevent hands getting streaked. Next, start with the arms and upper body, rubbing in lightly and methodically.

>> DO NOT apply false tan to your elbows, underarms or under your fore-arms . . . this will immediately mark you out as a false tannee.

Instead, apply only where the sun would naturally hit your skin.

>> DO be incredibly sparing around the neck, which is another danger area. Don't apply tan directly to it, instead rub a small amount from your chest upwards and avoid under your chin and around the ears altogether.

If possible, get someone to look after your back. If on your own, simply spray or put a small amount of tan on your hands and apply lightly to everywhere you can reach. And if you're not the most flexible, leave it out.

>> DO apply tans to your backside.

Why not? A white ass isn't the most appealing look at the best of times.

Legs are pretty simple to look after.

Apply liberally to back and front, ensuring you don't miss any spots.

Just be careful around the knees and pay extra attention to the calves and shins. For some reason, this area tends to streak when you least expect it.

Next do your face. Many companies have a facial tanner but I must confess I usually use the body tan.

Spray or squeeze a teeny bit onto your (still gloved! ) hands and apply to your face as if it was moisturiser (only with more care).

forehead and chin. Rub your hands quickly over the eyes and under the nose to ensure there are no white bits.

>> DO NOT go too close to the hairline.

One word: disaster.

Finally, the hands. These are, without doubt, the trickiest element when it comes to false tan. If you get streaks on your knuckles or between your fingers, the whole procedure is ruined. (No pressure. ) Take off one glove and apply the smallest dot of tan to your hand.

Holding it out straight but with fingers close together, rub in with the gloved hand, concentrating on the main areas but not ignoring the fingers. Remove the other glove and repeat the procedure, using the back of the glove if you're too lazy to put it back on again.

And voila. You are (hopefully) successfully tanned.