If I weren't talking to you right now I'd be. . .

Trying to write my novel. I'm only on chapter two. It's a year-and-a-half late. It's about different types of fans that you meet.

A phrase I use far too often is. . .

"F*** it, that'll do." I'm afraid I'm a bit lazy.

I wish people would take more notice of. . .

Other people and what's happening to them. People turn a blind eye to things they know are wrong.

The most surprising thing that ever happened to me was. . .When I was 16, I worked as a volunteer for the National Society for the Mentally Handicapped. We went to a stately home in Cheshire so they could have a holiday and, on the last night, we played sardines. I was hiding when one of the other volunteers came in and attacked me. He ripped off my clothes. Then he hid behind the curtains . . . it seemed to go on forever. It was awful.

A common misperception of me is. . .

That I hate men.

I'm not a politician but. . .

The top of my agenda would be truly lifting people out of poverty.

The ideal night out is. . .

Going for a meal with Elvis Costello and asking him what his songs mean.

In moments of weakness. . .

It would involve oral things: smoking, eating, drinking, taking drugs or chewing a chair leg.

You know me as a comedian, but in a truer life. . .

I imagine I would be some sort of executive type in nursing.

The best age to be is. . .

About 30 . . . before you've had kids.

In a nutshell, my philosophy is this. . .

There's a line in The Outlaw Josey Wales: "Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining."