Some dude called Steve goes, "Wot u tink of dat clodagh mckenna who does d farmers market yoke on rte, for wot it's worth I seriously would. Trying to tink of some farming phrase 2 end this text but comin from malahide d best i can do is . . . wouldn't mind getting down n agricultural wit her."

That's not bad. Come on, our non Dublin readers. Can you come up with a farming metaphor to describe your feelings for the lovely Clodagh McKenna? There's three packages of Tayto Crisps and a bottle of minerals for the best.

Some goy called Al goes, "Ive been goin 2 dat new niteclub crystal every wk for d last 6 wks after readin in d sindo dat d lovely roseanna's never out of the place. Must hav spent in d region of 600 bills in der n I havent seen sight nor sound of her. I tink it's about time she came down out of her ivory town n realised it's sad, pathetic stalkers like me who put her where she is 2day."

Some goy called Al goes, "Ive been goin 2 dat new niteclub crystal every wk for d last 6 wks after readin in d sindo dat d lovely roseanna's never out of the place. Must hav spent in d region of 600 bills in der n I havent seen sight nor sound of her. I tink it's about time she came down out of her ivory town n realised it's sad, pathetic stalkers like me who put her where she is 2day."

Hope you don't mind, I've forwarded your details on to Harcourt Terrace.

The Big Boss goes, "Don't be down on County Colours Night in Coppers.

It's the best night of week if Go Early, Go Ugly is your thing."

Yeah, I hear sometimes they don't even bother opening the cloakroom.

Some bird called Sally is there, "I kno u hate d gaviscon ad where dat policewoman directin d traffic starts singin wot a feelin . . . but hav u seen d other one where d cartoon firemen run down a woman's throat. One of dem pats d side of her oesophegus and points out how red and swollen it isf" I know . . . it's always on when I'm having my dinner as well. That policewoman, by the way . . . am I the only one who thinks that all women in uniform with long hair look like stripograms?

Si goes, "It's well known dat ur a big mary kennedy fan but for me sheena keane is ireland's leading yummy mummy. Brains, looks, the whole bag of scalloga pratai. Any chance of a pic?"

There's every chance of a pic, Si. I'm with you on this one. Sheena, Mary, Blaithnaid . . . I think probably the best job in the world at the moment would be in the RTE creche.