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Reality is a 25-year-old Brazilian mid"elder
On the Air Pat Nugent

 


INSIDE SPORT
Monday, BBC2 CHAPIONS LEAGUE
Wednesday, RTE Two
Eircom League live Thursday,

Setanta RTE perfected the formula for their pre-championship ads a few years back. The music is usually something euphoric, maybe Sigur Ros (but ideally Arcade Fire), the perfect accompaniment for a barrage of quickly-cut images. Bodies clash, hurleys smash, fists pump, flags wave, midfielders rise and tears fall. They're brilliant. By the end you're off the couch looking for your hurley, thrilled that you don't have to stomach any more nonsense from the "stars" of the Premiership. Stop rolling around and get off the pitch Drogba, Ken McGrath and Ryan McMenamin are coming and they look angry.

Sadly, whatever genius usually puts those adrenaline-driven packages together must have been on holidays recently. The ad that RTE ran during the week was for their coverage of the forthcoming championship, rather than the championship itself, which is surely missing the point entirely.

Showing people running around Croker in jerseys emblazoned with "RTE Sport" isn't going to stir anyone's blood, and banging on about your "unrivalled coverage" is a bit odd, as it seems to suggest RTE are outplaying some opponents in the market, when they're basically presiding over a monopoly. Calling your coverage "unrivalled" is a bit like gloating.

The tagline for the ad could have been, "You'll pretty much have to." Why not just sell us the product instead of telling us how good you are at selling it?

Over on the Beeb they're still trying to figure out how you solve a problem like Gaby Logan. Their latest effort is to find her place in the world is hosting the erroneously-titled Inside Sport. For an experienced presenter she manages to seem uncomfortable on screen an awful lot and didn't appear to enjoy moderating the studio debates at all. Although debates may be overstating what was basically two hacks shouting at each other for 30 seconds with the argument won by whoever's voice was at the highest pitch when Gaby said, "I'll have to stop you there."

The programme was worth watching though for Sepp Blatter giving a slimy, glad-handing tour around Fifa's hilariously opulent new headquarters in Switzerland, where they spent �90million on creating what looks like Dr Evil's secret lair. Blatter himself couldn't have appeared less trustworthy if he was stroking a white cat and laughing manically.

One man who likes a maniacal laugh is Eamon Dunphy, and he was in fine fettle during the week. As RTE cut to a break during their Champions League coverage he could clearly be heard offering odds of 2-1 on something or other to Liam Brady and John Giles, and then he went and coined a new phrase: "Reality is Kaka." Succinct and brilliant, like e=mc 2for soccer. Needless to say he added that Ronaldo=hype, because he's the Duracell bunny when it comes to beating that particular drum. Yes, we get it, a good player, a long way off a great player. Most of us can recite what the Three Wise Men think of Ronaldo by heart at this point, so a quick flick to Setanta was in order, where Pat Dolan immediately referred to Rafa Benitez as "a serious dude". Much better.

Dolan is a serious dude himself on television, as a pundit he's knowledgeable and erudite plus he could give Gaby lessons on never appearing flustered. Along with Felix Healy he coanchored Setanta's coverage of Cork City and St Patrick's Athletic and the pair of them were terrific. The game itself was decent entertainment and the post-match show was even better.

It kicked off in earnest when St Pat's manager John McDonnell rounded on the Cork fans, who had barracked Barry Ryan for the duration of the match, saying he was disgusted with them and the stewards who left it go on. To his credit, Dolan made no attempt to gloss over the nastiness, adding his own anger at the recent despicable treatment of Drogheda's Simon Webb by Shamrock Rovers fans, who taunted him over the death of his wife Anneli. Healy was equally forthright, pointing out, "Every club has morons, sadly sometimes the dregs of society can attach themselves to a club."

Shortly after the duo interviewed Cork City striker Roy O'Donovan from the studio. Rather than waste time on banalities, they quickly got onto talking to O'Donovan about the likelihood he'd leave Cork, the success of other exTurner's Cross emigrants, his international hopes and, brilliantly, asking him if he found it ironic that playing in the FAI eircom League was a disadvantage when it came to being picked for the FAI's international side. Not exactly typical post-match questioning.

More ironic though is the fact that Dolan is actually in a similar situation to O'Donovan. Setanta may move up in the world with next season's Premiership deal, but at the moment it feels like his abilities needs a bigger stage, and that's not a fat gag. The boy's got talent.




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