This week's Sunday Tribune

Best Defaced Campaign Poster Award goes to the graffiti artists who improvised with this Fianna Fail poster in Cork.

FROM RUAIRI. . . WITH LOVE

Ruairi Quinn has followed up on his call for two extra public holidays by elaborating that one of them should be for lovers. "Too many hard-working families encounter obstacles in achieving a work-life balance.

Labour in government will bring Ireland up to the EU average. Valentine's Day is one suggestion. That would certainly result in a change in our demographics." No wonder the party's logo is a rose.

While FF's coalition partners, the Progressive Democrats, and rivals Fine Gael, have been criticised for 'airbrushing' their candidates' pictures on party posters, An Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has been transformed into a drag queen in this offering.

In a week when Ahern rubbed shoulders with Ian Paisley, he appears to have gone to extreme lengths to do his bit for southern relations with the Orange Order by wearing woollen orange pigtails.

He is also wearing fake eye-lashes, against a turquoise eye shadow backdrop, with lipstick, red blusher, earrings and a blouse adorned in red polka dots.

WORKERS' ISSUES:

SORRY, WHO?

The PDs are obviously not bothered about courting the workers' vote.

The country's largest union, Siptu . . . with around 200,000 members, or almost three time the votes secured by the junior coalition partners in 2002 . . . asked each of the political parties a raft of questions on workers' rights, partnership, tax, childcare, health, education, transport etc for its inhouse magazine Liberty.

Fianna Fail, Fine Gael, Labour, the Greens, Sinn Fein and even the one-man Socialist Party produced comprehensive replies to all the brothers' queries.

The PDs, however, declined. "All issues raised and more will be comprehensively addressed in our election manifesto. If questions remain, we would be more than happy to facilitate a one-to-one meeting with our party leader, An Tanaiste, Michael McDowell, " said a helpful, if evasive, spokesman.

BURNING QUESTION OF THE DAY: WHAT'S HE LIKE AT HOME?

Newstalk's Eamon Keane is doing trojan work in trying to bring a lowest common denominator feel to this election. He's been bombarding various political WAGs with such important questions as "What's himself like when he comes home?" Among last week's interviewees was the Justice minister's beloved, Niamh Brennan (LEFT), who revealed: "I wouldn't necessarily say there are benefits to being married to a politician. There are benefits in being married to Michael McDowell." Whatever could she mean?

Meanwhile, we hope Keano will soon be grilling HABs like Brian Geoghegan (RIGHT) about the same burning issues.

CUDDLY CANDIDATES LOOKING FOR BEDFELLOWS

When it comes to canvassing, some candidates believe you should just grin and bear it.

Among them is the Taoiseach, who's giving out 'Bertie bears' while on walkabout. The cuddly promotional tools were apparently inspired by the new granddad's pride and joy, Jay and Rocco (who are not baby bears, though very cute, by all accounts). Meanwhile, Dublin candidate Dr Roisin Healy brandishes a bear in her election posters, for what purpose we're not exactly sure. But Teddy Roosevelt would be proud.

BERTIE FLIES IN THE FACE OF INNOCENT PASSER-BY

Fair City election special update: last week, we reported that Joe Costello's posters were going to be used by RTE for its Dublin Central-set soap. It now transpires that all parties in the constituency were asked to send in their posters, and that the Greens and Fine Gael also delightedly took up the invitation to cover Carrigstown. Sadly, though, it will be a case of there but not seen. "Whoever sent their posters in got put up on set, " said RTE, "but according to a producer, none of them was visible in the shots that made the programme on the day. The set was decked with posters, though." Look out for the posters (or rather, don't) in episodes screening in the lead-up to 24 May.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Brian Cowen on Wednesday. "It's a smoke screen to suggest there is any water to that argument, " he declared of some spurious theory. Elemental stuff.

Eamon Keane's colleague Orla Barry devoted air-time to the understandably outraged Sheila Rennick, who told how she was last week bashed in the face by a poster of An Taoiseach. "I was walking into town at Busaras and it was kind of windy . . . out of nowhere, this poster just flies from the sky, smashes me in the face and I look across the road and there's Bertie's face blowing in the wind. And I'm like blood streaming down my face." Describing her injury as a gash that looked like it could have been made with a knife, she voiced relief that she hadn't been on her way to a job interview or some such. "Bertie nearly ruined my life, " she declared. The FFers have insisted that all their campaign posters are securely tied and that a message reiterating the importance of this was being issued.