FF's everyhwere. Last week in The Irish Times, in a memorably gloomy article about the coming recession, a very distinguished economist said:

"Even if a new government were able to come up with some good ideas, it is unlikely that it would be able to implement them in time. This is because the vast majority of decision-makers in the public sector . . . all 800 different public bodies . . . have been appointed by the present government and will act as a drag anchor on any fresh initiatives."

800! Wow! Who'd have guessed? In a state that's only the size of Chicago, Illinois.

As for supposing that there'll be a brave new social dawn if Enda Kenny takes over from Bertie . . . forget it. I suppose there'll be a change of style . . . if Fianna Fail are the party of cute hoors who'd build cheapo apartments on their mother's graves, Fine Gael are the party of cute hoors with pathetically Anglo-Irish accents who wear suits with waistcoats. And it has debts to special interests, too. Let's see, for example, how long it will be before an incoming Fine Gael administration . . . if one comes in . . . rolls over on its back and humbly begs the medical consultants to forgive us for having allowed Mary Harney to inconvenience them. 'How much money would you like, sirs? And of course there'll be no more talk of opening up your closed shop.' The thought of it makes me want to go into a darkened room and watch The Simpsons.

No. The reason for voting Fine Gael, to my mind, is to get Labour in. And the reason for getting Labour in is to have a voice raised in government, however feebly, against the social teaching of the Roman Catholic Church, especially in respect of the one thing the same Catholic church's teachers do not have, which is wombs. History would suggest that a Fine Gael administration would be more Church-friendly than a Fianna Fail one . . . of course, Fine Gael were the Head Boys of the nationalist struggle; they never got excommunicated. And true to form, Enda Kenny gave an assurance, in a questionnaire administered by the Irish Catholic newspaper, that he would not legislate for abortion. And I mean abortion as allowed by the 'X' case, that is, where the life of the mother is at risk. The life . . . not . . . oh heavens no, not a petty little thing like her health.

How dare he? I thought. How dare he go around giving promises to Catholics about a matter that is of concern to every citizen, godfearing or not, and that should be the subject of a profoundly serious national conversation, not a fiat from a Mayo teacher?

How dare he? It's not as if anything is being or will be imposed on Catholics . . . they don't have to have abortions if abortion offends them. The Republic of Ireland is supposedly not a theocracy, I wanted to point out to him.

But when I actually read the Irish Catholic survey it became clear, and I suppose you could look on it as a consolation, that Fine Gael aren't a bit more crawthumping than the others. Except Labour.

Take our schools, still controlled by Catholic clerics. Any plans to change that, in the name of multiculturalism and so forth?

Naw. Greens . . . no plans. Sinn Fein, no plans.

FF . . . no plans. PDs . . . a forum on school governance, that is to say, no plans. Take another 'Catholic' issue . . . embryonic stem-cell research. FF . . . no plans to go anywhere near it. Greens . . . no policy on it. PDs . . . no formal policy on it. Sinn Fein . . . discussing it.

There is only one party that would legislate in the area of abortion, that doesn't approve of Catholic clerics controlling the primary school system and that does approve of investigating embryonic stemcell research. That's the Labour Party.

These positions are not self-evidently right or good. They all need debate. But they do at least suggest an alternative to automatically doing whatever the Vatican says. Of course, the Labour party won't in any imaginable future have the power to implement any of their policies, but in the context of the Irish Catholic survey, it is brave of them even to mention what they are.

For that alone, fellow-members of the audience, let's give the FG/Labour coalition a big hand next Thursday. Vote Fine Gael.

Let's get Liz MacManus and Pat Rabbitte into positions of influence before someone puts an amendment into the constitution to oblige us all by law to believe in the god of the Maynooth Catechism.