Writing the scripts for my Radio 4 show Heresy, or for a movie I'm writing for BBC films, or my new novel: although what I mean by writing is doing two sentences and then endlessly and aimlessly looking at YouTube, iTunes or out of my window.

A phrase I use far too often is . . .

The truth is always complex.

I wish people would take more notice of. . .

Jose Mourinho. I feel what he says is so often overlooked.

The most surprising thing to happen to me was. . .

Children. Not having them, but their effect.

What the banal say is true: they change your life, they change you. Nothing else . . . no self-help book, NPL course or deep religious epiphany . . .does.

I'm not a politician but. . .

If I was I would realise that very few people outside the news media are interested in party politics, and campaign to have myself and everyone I work with ignored.

I'm good at. . .

Language.

But I'm very bad at. . .

Knowing where everything I own is.

The ideal night out is. . .

A premiere, maybe of the latest Brit gangster flick, then ChinaWhites, topped off by Spearmint Rhino or Stringfellows.

Oh no, my mistake, that's a night out in the seventh circle of hell.

In moments of weakness I. . .

Live my life.

You know me as a comedian and writer, but in another life I'd have been. . .

A professional footballer. This is something that, tragically, I actually believe.

The best age to be is . . .

Ninety-seven. OK, your brain is just a ball of plaque and you have to be wheeled to the toilet every 15 minutes or so but at least you know that you're not going to die young.