"Understandably, there's going to be quite a bit of security surrounding this match, " the old man goes. "Armed soldiers.

Gardai with dogs. Helicopter gunships. So there's no need to worry . . . the people of Limerick won't get anywhere near you."

They all relax when they hear that.

"That said, " he goes, "Garryowen's seventh team will be no pushovers. Which is why I'm happy to welcome back a man who I'd imagine is sending the fear of God into our friend from Youghal, Mr Edward O'Sullivan Esq, right now . . .

watch out, Eddie, he's back where he belongs, in here with us, the best kept secret in Irish coaching . . . Mr Ross O'Carroll Kellyf" The response is pretty amazing, it has to be said . . . the kind of thing that could actually give you a big head if you weren't careful. One of the goys . . . I'm pretty sure it's one of the Gartons . . . shouts, "Go on, ya doorty looken doort boord, " which is one of the nicest things you can actually say to someone on this side of the city.

I'm there, "Thanks, goys. It's, er, good to be back. First of all, I don't want to be seen as, like, nitpicking here, but that thing that Dick Features said just there . . .
about me belonging in here with you lot? Obviously that was, like, a figure of speechf" Everyone laughs, roysh, like they think I'm joking.

I look at them, roysh . . . we're talking Bowie, Snail's Pace, Anto, Robbie Ryan, the Gartons . . . and I know I've got my work cut out. I don't know what kind of grub they're dishing out in here but they all look like they need a serious nosebag.

"First things first, " I go, pacing back and forth in front of them, just, like, buzzing on the feeling of having them in, like, the palm of my hand. "You don't look like a rugby team to me. Anto . . . what's that shirt you're wearing?"

"Bohiz, " he goes.

I'm there, "Im sorry . . . repeat that, " and Anto's like, "Bohiz! It's short for, er, De Bohiz."

"Bohemians, " someone else goes. "I can't believe you've never heard of Bohemians, knowhorameanf" "Goys, " I go, "I don't want to know about Bohemians and whatever the fock it is they do.

Right now, we're talking rugby.

And I can tell you one thing for certain . . . Drico would not be seen dead in that. And nor would Rogf" All the eyes go down. I'm sorry but I have to call it as I see it.

"You're backs, for fock's sake.

You're supposed to be the glamour boys. Look at Dorce in his Magee suits. That goy has set the bor higher for all of us."

I unzip my gearbag. "Here, " I go, "I've got something here for you all, " and I stort pulling out Leinster shirts. "Put these on . . .

remember, before you can play like a team, you have to look like a team."

They all take off their tops, roysh, and I'm not ready for what I see. It's like one of those Action Aid ads you see on the Living Channel. I don't know whether to teach them rugby or sponsor a well for them.

"I'll, er, have a word with the governor, " the old man goes. "We might need to get them put on double portions."

"We might need to get them put on an IV drip, " I go and I'm not actually joking.

When they're all dressed, I'm there, "Okay, goys . . . an observation. I watched you go through one or two drills with Knob Head here earlier and it's pretty clear to me what your problem is . . . obviously aport from the fact that you look like you've just been smuggled here from eastern Europe in a containerf "You goys have spent far too long playing soccer. It's not often in rugby that someone just runs the entire length of the field and scores a try. Well, obviously in my case it happened quite a bit . . . but I was a rare breed. Tony Ward said that.

"Generally, though, rugby is a game of territory, which is won slowly and painstakingly. So stop trying to, like, force it. Don't be so desperate to get over that line.

Always think of the current move as a foundation for a subsequent move. The ball-carrier gets tackled . . . that's cool. Recycle and go again. A try is a try, whether it comes after two phases or 10."

"It's a bit like a riot, " a voice suddenly goes.

It's Lex . . . the old man's cellmate.

"I've never, er, been in one myself, " I go. "Explain it to me."

He's there, "Well, if you're in a riot situation and you're faced by a phalanx of fuzz with water cannons, you're not gonna keep coming. You're going to have to take the odd backward step, especially when that hose hits you. But then you get up and you advance againf" I'm about to go, 'Er, not exactly, ' but suddenly, roysh, everybody's nodding like they all of a sudden understand and a few of them are going, "Game ball, " which is the same as Kool and the Gang.

"Er, exactly, " I go. "Pretend the governor's called the feds and the ormy in . . . they want to search your cells and take away your mobiles, your plasma screens, microwave ovens and whatever the fock else you've got in theref" "That's outta fooken order, " Anto goes and I notice the Garton boys stiffen up just at the thought of it.

"How would I ring the bookies?" Bowie goes.

I'm like, "Yeah, think about that. Okay, the second 15, you're going to play the role of the gords, the ormy and the screws.

Believe me, you're going to be mostly defending in this particular passage of play. The first 15, remember, when you're running at them with the ball, you're not going to put them on the backfoot straight away. These are soldiers you're up against . . .

even if the Irish ormy is only really a pretend ormy. If one of them flattens you, it's not over.

It's only the end of the first phase . . . think about the ground you've gained. And then go againf" We set them. I throw the ball to Snail's Pace and it all kicks off.

The hits are unbelievable. But they're patient . . . aport from the odd cry of "doorty screw bastards" . . . and they string together seven or eight phases before putting the ball down over the line at the far end of the prison yord.

It's actually like watching Munster. And then I'm thinking, oh my God, this is probably how they teach them to play down there.

The old man's thinking the same thing. "Never mind, 'Watch out Eddie O'Sullivan, '" he goes. "Watch out Declan Kidney."