Almost every report ends: 'We try to find out more but, instead of answering our questions, Portuguese police say they're "getting on with the investigation".' And you expect them to continue: 'It's almost as if they see solving the crime as more important than being on the telly. Oh well, that's just the Portuguese way I suppose.'

Then an expert sits at the table to say something like: 'Many people are asking questions as to why the Portuguese police are proceeding so slowly.' Because if the investigation had been conducted by British police it would have moved much faster, so that by now they'd already have caught someone whose face would have appeared on front pages over a headline 'The most evil face ever' and who would be well on the way to being convicted until, 15 years later, it would turn out he was a tadpole collector who'd never been out of Wiltshire.

The newspapers can be more direct, snarling 'What a daft idea to let the Portuguese investigate this case! They're too busy with siestas and religious festivals to solve crime! And the columnists are itching for a proper suspect so they can write: 'Some people call him scum.

Well maybe I'm old-fashioned but that's too soft.

He's not just any scum, like the scum in a basin that's been left for a week with a greasy frying pan in it. He's industrial scum, from a toxic plant in Russia that regularly spills out sulphuric acid that kills all the fish.'

But in the meantime reporters have to make do with stories such as the discovery of a trace of blood on the wall, discovered by sniffer dogs.

Even that was presented on the news by telling us "British dogs have a level of expertise that doesn't exist in Portugal". The Sun informed us:

"It could be Maddie's" or "it could be the kidnapper's". Or thirdly, it went on, "it could be from others". With one bold train of thought they've narrowed it down to everyone in the world.

The Sun has also done its bit by asking us to "download our special poster". And it can only help that alongside the missing girl's picture is the logo of the Sun. Perhaps someone might also sponsor the police, so the reporters have to say, 'I'm standing here at the headquarters of the Axa Equity and Law investigation.'

And maybe television executives are in negotiations with the Portuguese police to make all future announcements live on Saturday evenings just before the draw for the lottery.

Maybe they'll get Davina McCall to do it in that reality TV way, gasping 'And the DNA belongs to. . .' (a bass drum beats like a heart, we see the suspects' faces, we see them holding hands).

Until the name is announced, the police lead the convict to his cell through a flurry of fireworks and we all look forward to doing it all again with a new cast next year.