You see, Theresa interfered too, occasionally manhandling Keano out of the boozer to make time for his family, helping him cope postSaipan, and raising his children.

"I wouldn't say Theresa likes every part of the package. She knows I haven't a halo over my head. Actually that's what she likes about me, " says Roy of his wife. Yes Roy, because every woman loves the annoying eejit parts of a man the most. "I leave the cooking and ironing to the wife. She likes all that stuff, " he continued before blocking his fingers with his ears and making a 'lalalalala' noise, while in a graveyard somewhere in Northumberland, Emily Davison slowly rotated.

For every scoffer that ridicules WAGs for their expensive shopping habits and high maintenance beauty regimes, where are the objectors to the reasons footballers are hooking up with these women? Shouldn't the real blame lie with the googly eyed panting Premiership stars who go after hotties rather than settling down with understudies to Nanny Debs from Nanny 911? They seek out the trophy wife, so can hardly complain when the black AmEx suddenly disappears from the wallet and the WAG has hightailed it to Harvey Nicks leaving a trail of smoke from a Porsche Boxster's revved engine.

The players Keane was presumably talking about when he made outbursts about footballers choosing transfers to clubs based on the shopping needs of their other halves, the halves of highprofile WAGs . . . Rooney, Gerrard, Cole . . . have all earned big bucks by their association with their partners. You'd forgive them for not wanting to give that up for a move to Sunderland.

The WAG rationale that Keane ridicules is not as silly and frivolous as the Corkman would like us to believe. Maybe the WAG doesn't want to move to Sunderland because it is a kip compared to the glossy avenues of High Street Ken. Maybe the WAG has her friends and family somewhere and the kids in school and doesn't want to uproot her entire life for the benefit of her husband's short-lived career.

The WAGification of society where hooking up with some ugg who plays for Hull is now such a viable career option that it's only a matter of time before Mary Hanafin slots it in discreetly on the CAO form, is not one that should be encouraged. But a worse attitude to foster is Keane's one of men being 'weak' and 'soft' if they pay attention to the needs of their other halves.

Coleen McLoughlin, partner of Wayne Rooney, has shown herself to be far smarter than her partner, building an empire based on her personal brand. Me Inc may not be an enviable enterprise, and mightn't exactly, say, save the rain forest or negotiate the disarming of the Janjaweed, but she has displayed a far more astute business sense than her bloke, so he would do well to listen to her advice. She also steered him away from his sordid associations with prostitutes and a gambling habit that would dwarf her penchant for Hermes handbags. Without WAGs, rudderless footballers spend their time filming each other having group sex, losing their wages via Texas hold 'em on the team bus and sloshing Cristal around the floors of some of Britain's tattier nightclubs.

The real wag, if I'm permitted to changing an acronym to an adjective, is Keane himself. Gone are the Diadora tracksuit bottoms, and in are the Armani suits and nicely shined loafers.

Upon his accession to management, Keane has turned himself out as immaculately as Coleen McLoughlin . . . all carefully shorn hair and designer stubble.

He even moved from his petty mock-Tudor gaff to a 6m mansion. But pah to glamour and riches says our Keano who likes to portray himself as a hard, uncomplicated man. But going by his record on rational behaviour, would you really take advice from this man?

MASTERMIND has been accused of dumbing down this week, when the producers allowed a contestant to choose Jennifer Aniston as her specialist subject.

It's not at all a surprising request in an era where we know more about celebrities than we do our own friends, but it's a bit rich from an institution that allowed Patrick Gibson to win the final in 2005 with Father Ted as his specialist subject. Clearly, the lads on Craggy Island are of greater intellectual value that Friends.

Personally, my specialist subject would be the life and times of Courtney Love or the music of Jeff Buckley. A quick straw poll of the office threw up 'Harry Potter', 'Jane Austen novels', 'I don't know that much about anything, no wait, Dirty Dancing', 'Tupac Shakur', 'Irish Cricket: 1890 to 1914' and 'the films of Alfred Hitchcock'. None of these topics indicates any kind of higher intelligence, just knowing loads about something.

Mastermind was never really a test of intelligence, but rather one of memory and obsession.

Knowing everything about the works of Tchaikovsky is not that different to knowing everything about Paris Hilton. Only the subject is changed, and the merit of the subject's value plays no part in the quiz. So, who's up for a round on Boyzone, the early years?

THREE THINGS TO DO THIS WEEK

Music Battles

After what was by all accounts an amazing gig at the Temple Bar Music centre, the math-rock genii play the Roisin Dublin in Galway on Thursday and Tripod in Dublin on Friday. Probably the best and most captivating live act you'll see this year.

www. tickets. ie www. roisindubh. net

Online

The latest unlikely YouTube hero is a Hungarian rapper called 'Speak', whose unintentionally hilarious song 'Stop The War' has become a massive online hit.

http: //ie. youtube. com/watch? v=Vaz9jW054

Book Ahead

The Fringe Festival launched earlier this week, and as usual the brilliant Spiegeltent at George's Dock in the IFSC is set to be a highlight. If you're looking for a good night out, check out Remedy's fifth birthday party on 14 September featuring Crazy P live with a string quartet. Tickets are /23.50 and available from www. fringefest. com