Between the biggest review of cancer studies ever, the most detailed investigation into the dangers of alcohol in this country, surgery cancellations because of rows over who should change lightbulbs and fears that altar wine might put priests over the limit when they drive away from mass, it's been, as they say, a bit of a week . . . especially if you're a learner driver.

At this time of year, it's customary to quote the 18th-century English poet and humourist Thomas Hood's poem No ("No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds! . . . November! ) So here, with apologies to his rather more poetic verse, is 'No'. . . 2007-style.

No ham . . . no bacon!

No bread . . . no beef!

No sugar . . . no salt . . . no taste to what you eat No bottles . . . no teats . . .

No thing but the breast for baby . . .

No half-glass of wine . . . no leisurely beer . . .

No betters at bingeing . . .

No half measures in the way we drink . . .

No alcohol in the altar wine for the driving priest . . .

No non-alcoholic wine permissible . . .

No holy intervention . . .

No! it's alcohol, not blood!

No beds, no surgeons . . .

No lightbulbs, no electricians No operations in Kerry . . .

No yes to marriage if you're gay . . .

No referendum, no equality . . .

No full licence, no drive, No testers, no exam, No full licence, no drive November!