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I'm a nobody, get me in anywhere

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Model, 21
Who is she? Glamour model and the estranged step-daughter of the former national footballing hero turned booze monkey Paul 'Gazza' Gascoigne.

Achievements: Had breast enlargements in February 2006 and October this year, which took her already perfectly adequate bosom up to a 34DD.

Seen in: Celebrity Love Island 2006.

Image: Daft as a brush . . . but has made headlines for having the sort of chest that her stepfather used to strap on for a laugh.

Z-list rating: ZZZZZ

Ex-model, 52 Who is she?
An ageing alleged supermodel whose involvement in the latest series of ITV's I'm a Celebrity. . . Get Me Out Of Here! has raised eyebrows on the basis that, even by that programme's bizarre standards, she is hardly a celebrity. Three times married, she is best-known to readers of red-top newspapers for her love life. She once claimed to have had an affair with Mick Jagger. "Jerry hated me but she can **** off and die! No one scares me, " was her public apology.

Achievements: Set up her own model agency and once claimed to have had sex with more than 1,000 men.

Seen in: The new I'm a Celebrity. . . Get Me Out of Here!

Image: Nice lips but scant personality.

Z-list rating: ZZZZ

Actor and reality star, 28
Who is he? Paul "I look like a bit of a psychopath" Danan was once an actor in the teen soap opera Hollyoaks but more recently found national fame for having prolonged rows with Sophie Anderton on Celebrity Love Island (2005).

Achievements: Shouting, fawning over women, general nuisance.

Seen in: Hollyoaks until 2001 and ITV2's cutting-edge programme Test Drive My Girlfriend.

Image: Looks as though he needs a hug, or a smack in the mouth.

Z-list rating: ZZ

Model, 23
Who is she? Lingerie and glamour model, alleged Big Brother racist, former Miss England and ex-girlfriend of Miss England judge Teddy Sheringham.

Achievements: Since the Big Brother racism row earlier this year, Lloyd has lost sixfigure modelling contracts with the motorcycle insurer Bennetts and the fashion label Rocawear. She has since launched a mobilephone safety campaign after her own handset was stolen from a Liverpool nightclub.

Seen in: The back of taxis, at night, looking the worse for wear.

Image: Not a deep thinker. Last year, on BBC1's Test The Nation, she was asked: "Who was Winston Churchill: a rapper, US president, the PM or king?" Lloyd answered: "Wasn't he the first black president of America?"

Z-list rating: ZZZ

Ex-model, 26
Who is he? A former model turned TV 'personality', George Best's son and professional playboy.

Achievements: Once had try-outs with Manchester United; was named Companymagazine's 'Bachelor of the Year 2005';

won the second series of Celebrity Love Island; snogged Lizzie Jagger; brought out a cologne called 'Calum'; and dated Lindsay Lohan.

Seen in: tabloid newspapers, taken in London hotel rooms, having sex with prostitutes and snorting cocaine.

Image: Distasteful . . . a balding party animal whose genetic legacy doesn't bode for a bright future.

Z-list rating: Z

ADEE PHELAN Hairdresser, 35 Who is he? Dublin born celebrity crimper with former clients including David Beckham, the Appleton sisters and, erm, Piers Morgan.

Achievements: Became a senior stylist in 1999 before setting up his own hair salon. Has recently completed endorsement contracts for, among others, Remington and the Conair Group.

Seen in: Channel 4's show The Salon.

Image: Show-off. Has talent as a hairdresser but the 'celebrity' tag doesn't fit so well.

Z-list rating: ZZ

Model and reality star, 28
Who is she? The star of Celebrity Love Island, glamour model and, it has been said, a "cosmetic carcrash". She was born Sarah Howes and is known for her kiss-and-tell revelations. Glasgow's Sunday Herald once referred to her as "a serial bed-mate to the stars" . . . which is surely what every little girl dreams of.

Achievements: Appearing in reality shows, and being romantically linked to Calum Best, Dennis Rodman, Dwight Yorke, Lee Ryan and Mick Hucknall (what a night! ).

Seen in: Very little.

Image: The rocks on to which celebrities may be lured if they sink too many Metropolitans.

Z-list rating: ZZZZZ

Former boyband member, 31
Who is he?: The Boyzone member who found God and fame on a plethora of UK reality TV shows.

Acheivements: Was in the second series of the Channel 4 reality television show, The Games and received a gold mdeal. Famously walked off the second series of ITV's Love Island in the fifth week, after reducing model Sophie Anderton to a quivering lovestruck mess.

Had to drop out of competing in Sky One's Cirque De Celebrite earlier this month due to an injury.

Seen in: Cover of OK!

magazine in 1998 for his wedding to Eternal member Easther Bennett. Cover of OK!

magazine for his summer wedding this year in Kinnity Castle to gospel singer Sheena White. RTE made a two-part documentary on the wedding, Shane and Sheena:

A Boyz Own Wedding. which went out in September.

Image: A working class Dub waiting for Ronan to agree to a tour so he can make a few decent quid again.

Z list rating: ZZ

Reality star, 24
Who is she? Surprise winner of last year's Celebrity Big Brother (the gag being that she wasn't well-known).

Achievements: Once worked as a Paris Hilton lookalike. In May 2006, she signed a £300,000 deal to publish her autobiography.

Seen in: The Daily Star (including page 3).

Image: Paris Travelodge Z-list rating: ZZZZZ

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Back To Top >> 18/11/2007

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