Oh my god! Have you heard who's died?
Who? Barack Obama? The Pope?
No! No! Two Tone! Two Tone!
Two Tone? Emmm... Nope. You'll have to fill me in.
As in, you know, Two Tone the fish?
Yeah, but not just any fish. Sixty-eight-pound Two Tone was the Holy Grail for fishermen, says the Angling Times. He was blamed for the collapse of four marriages, such was the mania he inspired in men with multi-pocketed khaki gilets. Some anglers spent 15 years chasing his tail.
What was he? A swordfish? A basking shark?
He was a carp.
What, you mean a goldfish? What are they going to do with him now – flush him down the loo?
He was due to get a proper burial this weekend, beside his home of Conningbrook Lake in Kent, England. He'll get a prayer service and a tombstone and all. It says here.
It says where? The Angling Times?
No, according to one of the tabs.
Ah, now, hang on a minute. Wasn't there a story like this at almost exactly the same time last year? Let me just Google this... Here we go: 4 August, 2009, "Benson, the people's fish, is dead".
Jeesh, August must be a bad time for fish.
And a terrible time for news.
No Dáil, no courts – no wonder papers are plumbing fishy depths for stories.
About RTE broadcasters' holidays...
And what Irish Times hacks did on theirs.