IF we pointed out that Natalie Portman looked a bit dodgy at the premiere of Star Wars, you'd be forgiven for thinking there was a whiff of sour grapes in the air. After all, the standard reaction to her dramatic new look seems to be initial shock at her lack of hair . . . she shaved it off for a role . . . followed rapidly by a sighing realisation that she still looked as stunning as ever.

"Some people will think I'm a neo-Nazi or that I have cancer or I'm a lesbian, " announced Portman, who recently sported a rather fetching pink wig in Closer. "But after all the crazy hairstyles I had to endure for the films, it's quite liberating to have no hair."

Grrrr.

To take our envious little minds off her even-a-skinhead-can't-ruin-herbeauty, however, we let our eyes drop away from the talking point for a moment . . . and what did we find there? Why, to our joy, an ill-fitting black dress that looked like it was made out of bin-liners . . . and designed for someone with breasts.

With no jewellery to offset the stark, strapless neckline, it gave the distinct effect of an impoverished waif playing dress-up in Oxfam's best.

Not that we're bitter or anything. . .