A husband and wife were fast asleep in bed in the early hours of the morning when there was a knock at their front door. The husband tried to ignore it but moments later the knocking was repeated, louder than before.

"Go and see who it is, Luv," said the wife, "it must be important at this hour."

So the husband put on his dressing-gown and went downstairs to answer the door. He was greeted by a drunk who said in a slurred voice: "Will you give me a push?"

The husband was furious. "No, I will not," he raged. "It's half past three in the morning, and I was fast asleep in bed. Get lost!" And he slammed the door and went back up to bed.

When he told his wife what had happened, she was annoyed with him. "That wasn't a very nice thing to do, Luv" she said. "Remember the time when our car broke down late at night in the pouring rain on our way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter, and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would we have done if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But this guy was drunk," protested the husband.

"It doesn't matter. He needs our help."

The husband could see that he wouldn't be allowed to get back to sleep so he got dressed, went downstairs and opened the door. He couldn't see the drunk anywhere so he called out: "Do you still want a push?"

A voice came back out of the darkness: "Yeah, please."

"Where are you?" asked the husband, still unable to see him.

"I'm over here – on your swing."

We've all had a few beers. We've all done stupid things after having a few beers and 99 times out of 100 there is no collateral damage, we wake up the next morning with a sore head and maybe a bit of colonic damage and laughs at what we got up to. So, read on. We have to make our minds up about something.

Byron Kelleher, the 57-times capped New Zealand All Black scrum-half, retired from international rugby after the World Cup in 2007 and joined powerhouse French side Toulouse where he had an immediate impact as his new team won the Bouclier de Brennus in his first season. Things had been going swimmingly, up until last Friday fortnight at about 3.30am.

Kelleher was out socialising with friends in Toulouse on that Friday. Included in that party was his 22-year-old girlfriend Julie Noves, daughter of Toulouse supremo Guy Noves. Noves' older daughter Valerie (25) is dating Vincent Clerc, neither of the Noves girls would, I respectfully submit, be chucked out for eating chips in bed.

The party were in Evangelinas and ended up in L'Envol (De Danú, Trevor Brennan's bar surprisingly didn't feature) before the party left after 3am.

Kelleher was driving his Peugeot 308 away from L'Envol when he rear-ended a Porsche Carrera driven by a Brice Rostaing. After a less than frank discussion, Kelleher left the scene heading for the centre of Toulouse. Minor details like insurance or leaving the scene were foregone. Rostaing followed Kelleher and at the next set of traffic lights an altercation took place which became slightly more complicated as some bystanders joined in apparently recognising both sets of combatants.

At just under 100kgs and with a bench press of a multiple of that, my money would have been on one of the most powerful and explosive rugby players the world has ever seen. It was just Kelleher's luck that one of the by-standers was a martial arts master – you know, a guy who could kill you for fun with just one blow.

Kelleher was unconscious before he hit the ground. When he came to he had sustained a fractured cheekbone and a badly damaged shoulder.

Les Bizzies toute arrivée and everyone was taken down to Le Nique. Kelleher was unable to provide a breathalyzer sample but was subsequently charged with drink-driving and violence and assault charges.

Before we get to the point I have to state that I do not know and have never met Kelleher. But I do not get good vibes about him. I'm sure too that Mrs Noves is a little bit reticent about letting her daughter go out with Kelleher. A few years ago, as an All Black Kelleher famously dated Ashley Spalding aka Kaylani Lei, a Singaporean/US porn star whose titles include Hong Kong Gooey, Me Luv you Long Time 1, 2, 3 and 4, and Lei'd in Hawaii. She had at the time appeared in over 80 movies. The relationship lasted nearly a year and filled the New Zealand tabloids and broadsheets 24/7. I'd say the NZRFU blazers just loved it. Not a bother on Byron. Kelleher is currently being sued by Cleva Media – a photographic agency – for breach of contract, breach of copyright, and non payment of fees for using their photos on his website to advertise his clothing line BK9. This one is mired in claim and counter claim.

Kelleher has just recently extended a Ta Moko Maori tattoo on his right arm and shoulder (left). Maybe it's just me and my middle-aged prejudicial outlook on life, but it doesn't matter whether Michelangelo did it for you or not. Tattoos make a statement about you – skang.

So as you probably are aware the French Top 14's profile has been raised considerably. Setanta will be showing regular live matches and highlights packages from this week. A lot of the top players have migrated and gone for the big dough. Sebastian Chabal has gone to Racing for €1m per annum – a dreadful waste of money. Dan Carter went to Perpignan for €750,000 and Jonny Wilkinson went to Toulon for €700,000, Kelleher's salary would probably be about half that.

But we're getting to the nub of the story. This would be a real story if Jonny Wilkinson was the subject involved in a drink-driving street brawl, but there is very little chance of that happening. Wilkinson just isn't that type of person. Neither, for that matter, is Dan Carter. So the question Kelleher has to ask is, did he really let himself down? Were his actions out of character? Is this sort of behaviour the 'norm' now for professional rugby Union players? The trickle has become just a little too pervasive.

I drew a line in the sand last year when four English players were accused of rape and sexual assault in New Zealand. The players did not attend an arraignment and the charges never stood and they left the country. Since then you have had high profile incidences like the Mathieu Bastareaud case all the way down to the Lesley Vainikolo assault case. The rotten apples are taking over.

So what's going to happen to Kelleher? Well, first things first. Toulouse must protect their investment. René Bouscatel is the chairman of Toulouse. He is a noted senior counsel and he managed to have Stephane Ougier, a French international from Toulouse, acquitted of far more serious motoring charges (hit and run where a woman died).

Kelleher made a rambling apology on You Tube this week and is photographed shaking hands with Brice Rostaing. Rostaing said: "I am certain that Byron Kelleher is a good person who made an error as any one of us can make at some time. This incident was a brawl that saw Byron sustain injuries to the face and the shoulder. He will not be able to play rugby during the next few weeks, which I constitute as sufficient punishment not to add an additional sanction." Looks like a prepared statement scripted by Toulouse RFC. So Rostaing has withdrawn his complaint – everything has been squared there then.

What did Kelleher say in his innarticulate and innane apology: "I apologise for the situation that had unfortunately occurred on Thursday night between us, I had done wrong because I had been past the limit of alcohol… I've made a fault, I've done a mistake. I got stupidly upset. Especially because of the alcohol and I had false friends who dragged me to do the wrong thing."

What the...?

This set the way for media clearance and a rapprochement with the community. He still faces six months in jail though, but he has been well briefed, has pleaded guilty early and will receive 'sourcils' which is a conviction but with the sentence suspended. I am so confident he won't do time that if he does I'll serve it for him. The French do carpet brushing really well. No sanction from the FFR or IRB. Bloody well hope not, it would attract more attention.

So as Union becomes more densely populated with El Hadji Dioufs, Nicolas Anelkas and Lee Bowyers the body charged with governance takes naval gazing into an art form.

Lote Tuqiri – another man not unknown for early morning sorties – was last month cut by the Australian rugby union halfway through a five-year contract worth over ¤400,000 per year for 'undisclosed reasons'. I have a fair idea why. Nobody has really questioned why Australia's most valuable player behind Rocky Elsom and Matt Giteau is suddenly cut at the age of 29.

Anyway, Lote takes his camp over to Bayonne and the man with 57 caps (the number sounds familiar) made a verbal agreement on a two-year contract. But his behaviour during negotiations was outrageous, his wage demands were a bit Anelkan and he was told to get stuffed. Somebody will be stupid enough to take him and the tabloid tales will then start in earnest. Away from home he'll have the whole town a-jumpin' and a-rockin'.

I look at the soccer headlines front and back page and then I see the rugby ones and Orwell's Animal Farm comes to my mind.

Twelve voices were shouting in anger, and they were all alike. No question, now, what had happened to the faces of the pigs. The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.

nfrancis@tribune.ie