Ireland v Italy

RTÉ Two, Wednesday

You may have seen footage during the week of elated Newcastle United fans, looking like fat barcodes that have taken happy pills, dancing around in front of St James' Park celebrating the fact that The Messiah had returned to his spiritual home. We'd like to believe though that there were many TV fans in attendance too, celebrating the fact that Alan Shearer had finally left his secular home, the Match of the Day studio.

During his time on the MOTD couch Shearer never came across an exciting game that he couldn't talk into a coma, or an interesting tactical battle that he couldn't distil down to, "He's hit the ball and there it is in the back of the net." Now all we need is for Mark Lawrenson to take over at Brighton and for Gary Lineker to renounce television as the work of Satan, take a vow of silence and live out the rest of his days as a monk in Tibet.

While we're on the subject of deathly-dull people given a shot at a managerial job for which they are woefully under-qualified, Steve Staunton has popped up on Sky Sports a few times recently as a pundit.

Or whatever you call those people that sit in the studio and watch TV and tell you what they are watching. When that format was launched years back most people laughed at the idea that viewers would be willing to watch other people watching telly but Jeff Stelling and his crew somehow managed to make the whole thing entertaining.

We can only assume Staunton's presence was as a result of a Sky producer losing a bet, because he really doesn't seem like a natural fit for the job. Every time the anchor turned to him and said, "So Steve, what's going on at Anfield?" you were half-expecting a dour riposte of "Well, you tell me."

"Dull" is a word you'd rarely associate with the RTÉ panel, but watching them on Wednesday night was a dispiriting experience. They managed to be simultaneously predictable and shrill, like the punditry equivalent of Fair City. They've taken to ignoring their main job – analysing the match for the edification of us common folk – in favour of banging on repetitively about their philosophy on the game.

Opinions on the game will always differ. For example, Jim Beglin seemed to think the tactical face-off between Lippi and Trapattoni was something akin to Spassky/Fischer while Eamon Dunphy reckoned the Ireland manager was like a "drunken gambler at a casino" (What, was he eyeing up the waitresses?).

At this point we all know the panel don't agree with Trapattoni's approach to the game. Fine. Now can we move the discussion along? Bill O'Herlihy is professional enough to realise that discussions have become repetitive and staid, which is why he banned anyone talking about Andy R*** and Stephen I******. Perhaps his next move will have to be to install an alarm system with screeching sirens and flashing red lights every time Dunphy makes one of his wildly over-the-top statements. Or maybe just whenever he talks.

Among the clangers on Wednesday were his claims that Italy have a habit of losing at home to weak opposition (they've never lost a World Cup qualifier on Italian soil) and that Niall Quinn scored against Holland in the European Championships (he didn't), and that he was at the game (you weren't Eamo, you were in Palermo in 1990).

We don't expect facts, but we have a right to expect better.

When Trapattoni was given the job Dunphy waved his pom-poms like a demented cheerleader, reassuring Billo on air last September that, "We've got one of the best managers in the world. Relax, we'll be doing this from South Africa." However it now appears that he only ever looked at Trapattoni's CV and never actually saw one of his teams play. If he had he would have realised that much of the Italian's success was built on putting together teams so dull and functional the opposition usually just lost the will to live and capitulated. It wasn't pretty, but it was pretty effective.

Does he seriously expect Trapattoni to alter the style of play that has made him one of the most successful managers in history? Does he think a team containing a smattering of players from English football's second tier should convince Trap to take off the leash? Or does he just realise that if you criticise a manager in any sport for long enough, you'll eventually be proved right? Regardless, the panel may think the Ireland team is dull and lacking in inspiration, but it's high time they started analysing their own performances.

pnugent@tribune.ie