DID the wind change or is she just pleased to still be here? Priscilla Presley is a warning to frowning children everywhere. There is a strong possibility her daughter is pulling the strings from behind or she is in fact Elvis wearing a mask. Not likely though, because if he was to go to all that trouble, he would have opted for something capable of more than one expression.

What does she do when she gets bad news? Does she carry cue cards? . . . "I know I look reasonably content but you're standing on my toe". All that scribbling must be exhausting.

Her daughter, Lisa-Marie, should step in and physically prevent her from getting on the operating table again, not to mention imposing a ban on the Botox injections . . . her face is more flammable than cheap highstreet lingerie. It also looks firm enough to play squash against . . . if anything, the impact would probably leave a dent in the ball.

What does the rest of her body look like? Surely her knee-caps must be nestling somewhere under her chin by now? Perhaps she's had a 'body-lift' . . . as favoured by many an aging Hollywood starlet or she's a victim of the Bodysnatchers, in which case they should really just come back and get her.