'I think about him everyday and I always have done'

I had to give my son up for adoption 23 years ago. I fell pregnant by accident back in the early 1980s, when being an unmarried mother was still a big taboo. My mother and my father were very strict country people and typically they didn't want the neighbours, or my family and friends, to know that I was pregnant - even though I was in my early twenties at the time. So I had to be carted off to a home in Mullingar for single mothers to hide the pregnancy. It was such a horrible experience. I'll never forget the day I went into labour, it was 9pm and I was rushed to Mullingar hospital by the people I was staying with. I gave birth to a son and I named him Edward.

After that I was put in a ward with lots of other people and wasn't allowed to have my baby with me. I repeatedly asked the nurse on duty if I could see him and hold him. She told me that I wouldn't be seeing my son because of the route I had chosen to take. I was devastated. I left the hospital three days later. I did manage to see Edward briefly one more time when I insisted on visiting the baby ward at Mullingar Hospital. Having to leave my son behind just because of what neighbours and family were going to say was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. It still haunts me. If I'd had my say back then, I would have kept him. There's not a day that goes by when I don't think of him and wonder. Looking back now, I think maybe I could have kept him. But at the time I didn't have any support and didn't think it was possible.

Over the years, I've never stopped thinking about my son. Your son is your son. I started trying to find him three or four years ago once he was over 18. I contacted the social workers, attended meetings on adoption and did lots of research on what I could and couldn't do but I don't feel that I've received much help from the social workers in particular. The only helpful thing they did was give me a tiny bit of information on him. I found out that his name has been changed.

He's in university. He's happy with his adoptive parents, although they split up and he lives with his dad. One of the social workers also said that I could send him birthday and Christmas cards if I wanted but they would have to be opened and read. In the end, I only sent one because I didn't know if he would get them. Mostly though, I've been fobbed off and scolded for trying to find my son. One social worker in particular actively discouraged me from looking for any more information. So I've just grown more and more upset, frustrated and angry, so last week I resorted to placing the ad.

The reaction to the ad hasn't been great.
I got a horrible email from someone telling me I shouldn't have placed it, which was very upsetting but not unexpected. My only objective is to try and reach my son and come face to face with him and tell him how much I love him. I also want to tell him that I think about him everyday and I always have done. He is my flesh and blood.

I'm his natural mother even though I felt I had to give him up. I'm just desperate for him to know that I'm looking for him. I'm scared that he'll think I never tried. I'm 51 now. I don't have forever, nobody does. I just want to find him.