Green about the Gilson: proud of Ireland

It must be time to re-evaluate one's life. That's the only reason we can think of for the amount of self-help books flooding into our books department at Trib Towers. Most are complete tosh, so instead, we've decided to publish our own self-help tomes to get you through these tough times. You're welcome.

1. 'The Secret #2: Marrying Someone Who Is Totally Loaded': We unlock the secrets to making some bajillionaire fall in love with you and marry sans pre nup, and striving for Kaivalya, or, like, bags.

2. 'The Path To Enlightenment Is Not Through The Afternoon Show': Taking cues from RTÉ presenters who can't get a job while RTÉ continues to hire people from other stations, we unlock 'Seoige Zen', the process of spreading oneself from station to station, like a frog gently hopping from lily to lily, before one reaches nirvana/GMTV.

3. 'Why Do You Like Riding Hippos? And Other Mysteries From Post-Celtic Tiger Ireland': In Hindu mythology, the tiger is the deification of energy, but what happens when that energy depletes? We turn to the hippo-headed Egyptian goddess Tawaret, protector of childbirth. Meaning, um, have babies and skive off work?

4. 'How To Win Glenda And Influence Tweeple': By adopting the wisdom of Glenda born from a quote on simplyweddings.com: "I love this place and its people!!!!" (her exclamation marks) one must embrace living in Ireland and harness the energy of Twitter to gain more pseudo-friends and boost confidence by thinking someone is listening.