London rose Clare Kambamettu

So, after all the hype, palaver and fervent worshipping at the altar of the Cult Of Dáithí, the Rose Of Tralee 2010 finally hit Irish screens last week – and was, let's face it, as deathly dull as ever. A serious overhaul is needed to breathe new life into this jaded institution. Coincidentally, we've drawn up a list of suggestions on the back of a fag packet:
1. Bring Dáithí Back. He's off to a promising start. Next year, the winner gets to be his girlfriend as part of her prize. He's already stepping out with the 2008 New Jersey Rose, so she may have to fight her. Ratings gold.
2. Make At Least One Of The Contestants A Man. This may have already happened.
3. Raise The Bar When It Comes To Their 'Special Skills'. So you can make a balloon animal – big flipping deal. Can you escape from a tank of water filled with carnivorous hake? Or juggle kittens?
4. Two Words: Swimsuit Section. It's not sexist if they make Dáithí strip down to a pair of Speedos, too.
5. Two More Words: Music. We want a big all-singing, all-dancing opening number featuring all the Roses doing a medley of Kiss From A Rose, La Vie En Rose, Every Rose Has Its Thorn and – you guessed it – The Rose, featuring very special guest Rosanna 'Cracklin' Rosie' Davidson.
6. Spice Up The Judging Panel. Give Brendan O'Connor and Twink a bell. Invite Linda Martin along, too (without telling Twink in advance, natch) and, to give the panel a bit of integrity, former defence minister Willie O'Dea.